


Talk to Me

by InspiredObsession



Category: Blake Shelton/Gwen Stefani - Fandom, Gwen Stefani - Fandom, blake shelton - Fandom
Genre: AU, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-10
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-20 11:05:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14893436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InspiredObsession/pseuds/InspiredObsession
Summary: My second story. I honestly don't know where this inspiration came from, but it feels good to be writing again. Don't worry, Trying to Figure it Out will still be updated but I was too excited about this idea to put it off. I really hope you guys like it. I think y'all are in for a few surprises. Please let me know in the comments if you think I should continue. I want to spend my time writing stuff y'all want to read.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My second story. I honestly don't know where this inspiration came from, but it feels good to be writing again. Don't worry, Trying to Figure it Out will still be updated but I was too excited about this idea to put it off. I really hope you guys like it. I think y'all are in for a few surprises. Please let me know in the comments if you think I should continue. I want to spend my time writing stuff y'all want to read.

“Can you just drop it please!” 

“No, Blake I won’t just drop it! I don’t understand why you’re being like this!” 

“There’s nothing to understand! It is what is!” 

“But you’re so good with Apollo, why can’t we at least talk about trying?” 

“I said no, Gwen.” 

“Don’t you want a baby of your own, to carry on your name, and call you daddy?” 

“I’m fine with just Apollo.” 

“You knew I wanted this when you asked me to marry you, but you still asked! I thought maybe you loved me enough to at least consider the idea!” 

“Are you saying I don’t love you now, that you wish we would have never gotten married?!” 

“You know that’s not what I’m saying Blake. What I am saying is that I don’t understand.” 

“Like. I. Said. Before. There is nothing to understand. I am done having this conversation with you every week, Gwen!” 

“It’s not a conversation because you won’t even talk about it!” 

\--------------- 

That conversation, actually fight, took place three days ago and Blake and I still haven’t said a word to each other apart from the occasional cold morning greeting or talk about Apollo’s schedule. We haven’t touched or slept in the same bed either. We have been having the same fight over and over again for a couple of months now, only every time we do our reactions get worse and our tempers get shorter. Part of me wants to do what he says and just forget about having another baby because I miss him. I miss us, but I can’t just let this go. I’ve always wanted another baby and the idea of having Blake’s is not something I am willing to give up without a fight or a damn good reason. 

That is why I am here in our bedroom getting ready for my third night in bed without him, while he finishes putting Apollo to bed before heading down to that cold unforgiving leather couch in the den. The television will still be on in the morning because he can’t fall asleep down there without it. Maybe it’s his way of tricking himself into thinking that he just fell asleep down there by accident and wasn’t there intentionally night after night. Betty will be laying right next to him on the floor and his arms will be clutching a pillow to his chest. I hope that’s because he misses having me there in its place, if it is I might be able to convince myself there’s something to salvage between us. God knows I miss my place on his chest. 

I’m so lost in thought laying under the bed sheets that no longer feel comfortable and safe but rather suffocating and heavy that I am spooked when I hear a gentle knock on the other side of the door. It has to be Blake, it’s 10 o’clock and I know Apollo is sound asleep. Blake hasn’t gone out of his way to try and talk to me lately about anything, so I am caught off guard by him coming up here. I sit up and switch on the lamp on my bedside table and quickly wipe under my eyes to get rid of any remnants of tears that I may have shed before beckoning for Blake to come in. 

The confidence he found to knock on our bedroom door completely dissipates as soon as he walks in the room and makes eye contact with me. I get a good enough look at his eyes to see how distraught and shielded he is before he’s looking down at his socks and wringing the back of his neck with his hands. After four years of dating and a year of marriage I know that means he has something to say, so I hug my knees to my chest and keep my eyes on him. Eventually he stops the assault on his neck, drops his hands and raises his eyes to meet mine again. He’s still guarded, but I can see the apology in his eyes before he even speaks. 

“I miss you.” He whispers, and the words are so sincere and laced with worry that I feel my eyes filling with tears. I wanted to be cold and strong, but I’ve never been able to hide from him. 

“I miss you too.” I say from behind my hand, trying to will my tears away so that maybe we can have a conversation like adults for the first time in what feels like forever. “Please talk to me Blake.” 

Slowly he inches his way towards the bed, still afraid that I’m going to tell him no and make him leave. As soon as he makes it to the foot of the bed on my side, he sits facing me with one leg folded under him, one leg still braced on the floor and his hands in his lap. For a while we just stare at each other, keeping our thoughts to ourselves and enjoying the fact that we have been able to be in the same room together for more than five minutes. Unable to control myself anymore I throw the sheets aside and crawl closer to him and sit cross legged in front of him reaching out to take his hand in mine. He looks surprised by my gesture, but the way his shoulders seemed to uncoil at my touch lets me know the contact brought him comfort too. 

“You know I love you right? There has not been a single second that I have wished that we hadn’t gotten married.” I decide to break the ice needing to clear something up from our last fight. For three days I have regretted giving him even the slightest inclination that I had any doubts about us. I squeeze his hand while I talk for emphasis to make sure he understands how much I mean it. 

“I know. I love you too.” Hearing him say those words took the breath right out of my lungs, it had been too long. “I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass.” He whispers, looking down at his lap again. Using the hand not holding his I reach out and place my hand on his cheek bringing his eyes back up to mine. 

“I just wish you would talk to me instead of yelling. I just want to understand.” He sighs and closes his eyes at my words. I don’t know why he feels like he can’t tell me what he’s thinking when it comes to this. There has never been something we couldn’t talk about or work through together. Why is this any different for him? 

“Blake just because we talk about trying for a baby doesn’t mean we are making a final decision, you know that right? Why won’t you talk to me? You know you can tell me anything, whatever’s going through your head we can work through it.” I keep my tone gentle, a change from what we’ve been doing lately. Maybe it’ll get through to him. 

“I, I can’t.” I’ve never heard his voice so broken. It’s killing me to now know how to help him. He looks so defeated and I’m beyond confused. 

“You can’t, what? Baby please.” My voice breaks as I plead with him. My concern isn’t even on the topic of the baby really anymore, it’s just about getting to the bottom of whatever has him so upset. 

“I can’t” The words leave his mouth encased in a sob. His sobs break me and I can’t take it anymore. I crawl onto his lap and pull his head into my chest. He wraps his arms around me so tight as he cries, but I wouldn’t dare make him loosen his grip. It feels good to be back in his arms and feel needed by him even if it is in this situation. 

I simply rest my lips against his scalp and run my fingers through his curls trying to comfort him the best I can. I can’t help but try and reason and make sense of why he may be acting this way about the idea of having a baby. Only one thing I can come up with would warrant this kind of behavior, but I feel like it is something he would have told me. I mean he has been married twice and doesn’t have any kids. He told me it’s because neither of his wives wanted them, but now I’m starting to think differently. 

“Baby, when, when you say you can’t, do you mean that…” My words die on my lips as my eyes travel to somewhere behind him across the room. I’m too scared to ask him about what I’m thinking because I don’t want to be right. 

“What?” He pulls his head up and roughly wipes his eyes and nose almost as if he’s ashamed of his little breakdown. He finally has his breathing under control again so I reach up and gently take his rough hands away from his face while I try to find it in me to complete my question. 

“When you say you can’t, do you mean that you actually can’t, like physically?” He furrows his brow and stares at me confused for a minute before I see it click in his head and his mouth opens when he realizes where my head was. A slight frown falls on his face next and I’m worried I may have hit the nail on the head. 

“I don’t know.” His voice is so small in that moment and my heart breaks for him, but his answer only serves to feed my confusion. 

“You don’t know? What do you mean? Have you gotten tested?” My voice is soft and careful, not knowing what ground I’m walking on and understanding this is obviously and understandably a very sensitive topic for him. He shifts me off his lap and gets up to pace the room, his abusing hands back on his neck. 

“Gwen, please can we talk about this some other time? I don’t want to talk about it right now and I don’t want to fight again, please.” He’s practically begging me and I’m too tired and shocked to fight with him right now, so I just nod my head and look away from him disappointed that he’s shutting me out again. I don’t know what his intention was when he knocked on the door tonight. Did he think we weren’t going to talk about it? 

I hear him let out a shaky breath and start walking towards the door again. Quickly, my head snaps up toward him. He has a slouch to his shoulders as he reaches for the doorknob about to let himself out. I debate letting him leave, but no matter how frustrated I am with him, the thought of another sleepless night without him while he is in the same house is unbearable. 

“Blake?” I shyly whisper, not sure if he’ll even want to stay. He turns his head to look at me, his hand still on the doorknob. 

“Yeah?” Not trusting my voice at the moment, I simply reach my hand out toward him hoping he understands what I’m asking him for. Thankfully I have a husband who knows what I need. A small, grateful smile graces his lips as he releases his hold on the door and makes his way back toward the bed. 

He only hesitates for a second before climbing under the covers on his side and laying on his back. I’m still sitting up and the lamp is still on. I lean over and flick it off before I lay down on my back beside him, still not touching. It only takes a minute, lying unmoving in the stony silence of our bedroom in the dark before I feel his hand grab mine under the bed sheets. His touch gave me confidence, so I slid over and rolled on my side and propped my head on his shoulder while my hand reclaimed its spot on his chest. He wrapped his arm around me, one hand landing on my hip and the other taking grasp of the one on his chest. 

“I’m sorry.” I whispered into the darkness. I didn’t know what I was apologizing for necessarily, the fight or whatever he was going through. Maybe both. 

“Me too.” The last thing I felt before I drifted off to sleep for the first time in days was a kiss to my forehead. It served as reassurance that he was going to let me in. It might take some prying, but we’ll get there.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the longest chapters I think I have ever written. It's not too much longer than normal, but a little so I hope y'all like it. Pleas let me know in the comments!

The next morning I wake up to a body pressed against mine, but it’s not the same one that I fell asleep with. I open my eyes to find Apollo starfished on his back next to me with a hand on my shoulder and a leg thrown across mine. When I lift my head to take a peek over his body I find a vacant spot on the bed where the sheets had barely had enough time to go cold before I woke. I plop my head back down on my pillow and let out a sigh. I know where he went, he’s at the studio. That’s where he always goes when he’s trying to avoid me and here lately it feels like he’s there more often than not. He’ll probably be there ‘til after noon too. I thought after last night he might wake up ready to talk and get whatever he’s holding inside off his chest, but I guess not. 

Just when I come up with a plan inside my head on how to get out of the bed without waking Apollo and preparing myself to call Blake, I hear the sheets ruffle and a tiny voice that’s groggy and muffled by the pillow try and get my attention. 

“Mommy?” His eyes are still closed, but the hand that was on my shoulder is currently tapping my face trying to determine if I’m awake as well. If I hadn’t been that definitely would have done the job. I reach up and take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze before I answer him. 

“I’m here baby.” I keep my voice at a whisper considering he’s still trying to wake up. He finally opens his eyes and the small smile that comes to his face when he sees me makes me forget about everything going on just for a second. He’s so innocent and no matter how bad me and Blake have fought recently, Blake has never treated Apollo any different or disregarded him in any way. I even found the two curled up asleep on the couch one morning with a cartoon on the television and two empty glasses of milk sitting on the coffee table. Apollo must have woken up in the middle of the night and went looking for Blake instead of me. 

“When did you come in here bubs? Did you have a bad dream?” I rub my hand up and down his little back as I speak trying to keep him relaxed. If I’m lucky he’ll stay in bed and cuddle with me for about half an hour before he’s begging for breakfast. He just turned five and he’s just a bundle of energy so the longer I can keep him in one place the better. 

“Daddy got me. He said he had to go but wanted me to keep you warm.” As he says that he snuggles a little closer and my heart melts. Blake knew I’d be upset this morning without him here, but I guess he figured having Apollo here with me would make it better. I’m not going to lie, he was right. I’ve been deprived of cuddles here lately, so I’ll take what I can get. 

Apollo has been calling Blake daddy ever since he started talking really. After the divorce, Gavin just wiped his hands of anything that had a connection to me and that included his son. The first time Apollo called Blake daddy we were taken back but not necessarily surprised. Blake took the name and the responsibility on without hesitation and hasn’t looked back since. When we got married he even adopted him. He was so ready and willing to take Apollo on, so that’s why I’m so confused he doesn’t want a baby of his own. I decide I’m not going to let him run from me anymore. 

“Hey bubs, you want to go visit daddy at the studio?” I make sure to use my excited, high pitched voice even though I know he will be super excited without it. Apollo loves going to the studio and playing with all the equipment and the rolly chairs. 

“Yes! Please mommy, can we?” He’s clapping his hands and jumping on the bed in a heartbeat. I chuckle at his excitement and push myself up to sit on the bed. 

“Go get dressed. We’ll get some breakfast for you and daddy on the way too.” I get a chance to wink at him before he leaps off the bed and is sprinting down the hall to his room to get himself dressed. He will be ready in less than five minutes, so I get up and get started. If I’m not quick I won’t hear the end of it. 

On the way to the studio, we stop and get Blake and Apollo’s favorite breakfast tacos. Considering he isn’t Blake’s biologically, they really are one in the same. I hadn’t texted Blake to let him know we were coming, I don’t really know why. Part of me was afraid of him saying no to us coming and part of me was just excited to do something spontaneous. It feels like we lost that part of the relationship and I desperately want to find it again. 

Blake’s truck is the only car in the parking lot when we pull in. It’s a Sunday, so of course no one is here at nine in the morning. As soon as the car is in park Apollo is unbuckled and is out of the car opening my door for me trying to hurry me along. Quickly I grab the bag of food and the two coffees and get out of the car making my way towards the front door of the studio with a bouncy Apollo next to me. 

The studio is small so there’s only a couple of turns before I find the room Blake is in. He always uses the same booth. I don’t know why, maybe it’s just a routine thing for him or maybe it’s some superstition he has. I close my eyes and take a deep breath with my hand resting on the door handle before I slowly push it down and peek my head around the thick wood. 

Blake’s sitting on one of the couches with a guitar on his lap. He’s not playing it, just sitting with it. He looks up when he hears the door open and his eyes meet mine briefly in question and surprise before an amped up Apollo pushes his way past me from behind my legs and runs to Blake practically jumping on his lap. A huge dimpled grin appears on Blakes face as Apollo is wrapping his arms around him talking a hundred miles a minute about his plans to help Blake produce his new album. All Blake can do is nod along and chuckle at the boy’s enthusiasm. 

“That sounds great ‘Pollo, we’ll get started on that right away.” He finds a chance to speak when Apollo finally pauses to take a breath. That’s when I decide to step in as well, as I had been forgotten by the door bearing witness to the chaos that those two are together. 

“We have to eat breakfast first, right ‘Pollo?” They both seem to remember I’m there when they hear my voice. Both of them look over at me still smiling from the little moment they just had. I hold the bag up and Apollo gets up off Blake’s lap to come get it from me and walk it back over to the small table in front of the couch. I follow and perch myself on the couch on the cushion next to Blake. 

“We got tacos daddy!” Blake’s still staring at me when I sit down, but Apollo gets his attention again thank God. Walking in here I suddenly lost my train of thought. Everything I wanted to do or say just wasn’t coming to me. 

“You did? That’s great buddy, I am so hungry! Thank you!” As Apollo distributes the tacos on the table he takes a second to throw me a wink over his shoulder and mouth a thank you. The little gesture brings a small smile to my lips. I lean forward and place his coffee on the table and slide it over closer to him before I let myself relax against the arm of the sofa. 

I zone out watching them talk over breakfast and find myself just staring at the side of Blake’s face observing him. I’m not really angry at him anymore. I’m just tired. I’m tired and hurt that he feels like he can’t talk to me. Not angry. I’m pulled out of my thoughts when I feel Blake’s hand on my ankle. 

“Hey ‘Pollo, mom and I need to talk for a minute. We will clean this up, why don’t you go check out the booth? If you close the door it gets super quiet. You can take my guitar in there and play if you want.” Blake nods his head in the direction of the booth and reaches to hand his guitar over to Apollo who’s grinning from ear to ear. 

“Really?” He can barely contain his excitement right now. 

“Of course, bud! Go ahead, I’ll come in and join you in a little bit.” Not needing to be told twice, Apollo snatches the guitar out of Blake’s hand and rushes into the recording booth slamming the door behind him leaving Blake and I alone and out of his earshot. 

We just sit and stare at the window of the booth for a minute. Apollo is too short to see through it still, but we can just barely see the top of his brown curls as he walks around the small space. 

“Thank you for coming, and for bringing him.” His voice brings my eyes back towards him. I don’t really know what to say so I just nod and maintain eye contact. His hand hasn’t left my ankle yet and I am really hoping he doesn’t pull away anytime soon. 

“I’m sorry for leaving this morning.” He tries again. His tone is gentle and I know he doesn’t want to fight again either. We’re both sick of turning each other away. This is also the first time he has apologized to me while looking me in the eye. Last night it was dark and we were just trying to get some sleep. 

“It’s okay.” I whisper my words, still unsure of what to say or where to begin. He seems to be in the same boat because he doesn’t say anything else right after that and a semi awkward silence fills the room. Suddenly feeling the need to move I pull my leg out of his grasp and get up to start cleaning up the table from the breakfast. It doesn’t take him long to start helping me. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take longer than a minute for all the trash to get thrown away and for the table to get wiped down. 

Without anything else to distract us, the awkwardness slowly begins to invade the room once again. We are standing in front of each other now, just looking into each other’s eyes. Neither of us really know what to expect. I want to talk and bring up the topic again, but I’m afraid to. I also have this overwhelming desire to hug him, but I’m afraid to do that too. I can feel the lump starting to build in my throat from not knowing what to do. It doesn’t take me long to decide what I want more at this moment in time. Within a second, I take a large step forward and throw my arms around his neck burying my face under his chin. 

I hear a small gasp escape his lips surprised at my sudden affection, but it doesn’t take him long to return my hug just as desperate for it as I am. His arms wrap around my waist and I feel him nuzzle his nose in my hair. I also can’t help but notice how he tries to inhale as subtly as possible, as if he’d be embarrassed if I were to notice. I’ve always noticed, but I always thought it was cute so I never called him out on it afraid he might stop. 

I’ve missed him so much. Last night going to bed had felt tense, but this moment felt so emotionally charged. It is what both of us needed at this point in time, any frustration could wait. 

“Gwen?” He whispers into my hair, not daring to look up or loosen his hold. I squeeze him to let him know I heard him and let him know he can continue. In return he tightens his hold as well. 

“Can I kiss you?” The words are scared as they leave his mouth and I inhale a breath at the question. What kind of married couple isn’t sure enough in their relationship that they have to ask their partner if they are allowed to show them love and affection. We haven’t kissed in two months, not on the lips at least. I want to taste his lips again. I want to reconnect with him. Pulling my head back slightly and sliding my hands from around his neck to his chest I look up at him with shy eyes, suddenly nervous at the thought of kissing him again. Nervous that the spark will be gone, and the old Gwen in me wonders if that’s the only reason he’s asking because he wants to test it, not because he actually wants to. One look in his eyes though and the amount of desire, love, and apology I see tells me otherwise, so a soft yes crosses my lips. 

Momentarily he almost looks surprised that I said yes, but then a light takes over his eyes and a smile graces his face. He starts to lean in slowly, like he’s giving me an opportunity to change my mind. When he finally believes that I’m not going to tell him to stop his eyes fall closed and his lips part. When his nose touches my cheek, mine follow suit. He pauses briefly right before our lips touch to take in a breath and then closes the distance between us completely. 

The nerves I had completely vanish because almost immediately that familiar tingle crawls it’s way up my spine and completely scrambles my brain and makes me deaf to anything but the sound of the two of us in that moment. We don’t move at first, we simply relish in the feeling of being this close again. It’s not until I feel him uncoil his arms from around me to bring them to rest low on my hips does he move to deepen the kiss. We allow our lips to explore for a few more seconds before we pull back needing to breathe. The intensity of the moment took our breath way quicker than the kiss had. The only thing to be found in either of our eyes when we pull back is relief from knowing that the feeling is still there. 

“I love you.” His voice is deep and raw with emotion. There are a few tears collecting in his eyes but not enough to spill over and his grip is still tight on my waist. 

“I love you too.” I’m just as emotional as he is and when I look down at his chest I see that my hands have his shirt balled up in tight fists not wanting to give him a chance to even take one step back. With our foreheads still together, he starts to speak again. 

“I’ve been so terrible to you lately. You don’t deserve to be treated the way I’ve been treating you. You have had every right to get pissed at me when you have. I’m so sorry Gwen. I want to talk to you, believe me I do. It’s just so hard.” His last words are strained and seem painful to say. A few more tears have collected in his eyes causing some to spill over, but he seems to have control of himself right now, so I don’t move to wipe them away. 

“Why is it hard? Are you scared I won’t understand?” I’m trying to keep my voice under control because I am getting emotional seeing him so upset. 

“You always understand.” A forced chuckle bubbles past his throat. “Talking about it just makes me sick. I haven’t talked about it with anyone.” 

“Talked about what? Having a baby? Makes you sick? But Blake…” I’m almost offended because my own baby calls this man daddy and now he’s saying that just talking about having child makes him sick. The only thing keeping me calm right now is knowing the true character of the man standing in front of me and knowing that I have had to of misunderstood that statement. 

“Baby, no!” He could see me getting emotional and must have sensed where my head was going because he immediately pulls me back against his chest and wraps his arms back around me. “Honey you’ve got to know that having Apollo in my life is one of the biggest blessings. Hearing him call me daddy everyday is the best things in the world, and the idea of having another baby around the house doing the same thing is great I just…it’s just..” He gives up and rest his lips against my hair again letting out a shuddering sigh. I’m glad he didn’t mean his words the way I thought, but again I’m left utterly confused. I feel like we are finally making progress though, so I have to push a little. I remember something he said last night, so I decide to bring it up to see if that helps him get it out. Still wrapped in his arms and listening to the rhythm of his heart as I speak keeps me grounded. Keeps us connected. 

“Last night you said you didn’t know if you could have a baby. What did that mean?” He lifts his head off mine and I can feel him start to try and take a step back to separate us, but I don’t let him. I just squeeze him tighter and keep my head firmly planted against his chest. 

“It means I don’t know. It means I’m scared to try again.” I freeze at the last word. He tries to step back again and this time I let him. He turns away from me and paces a few times before he makes his way back over to the couch and sits down, roughly rubbing his face with his calloused hands. 

“Again?” The question hesitantly leaves my mouth. For all I know from what he’s told me, him and Miranda never tried for a baby. He said she didn’t want kids. He told me he had just accepted that for what it was because he loved her. “I thought you said Miranda didn’t want kids? You guys tried?” 

“No, no we didn’t. Miranda and I never even talked about kids, she was too busy for that.” His voice still carried a hint of bitterness to it when he talked about her. “It, it was Kaynette.” 

His first wife hadn’t even crossed my mind. I didn’t even know much about her other than her name. He didn’t talk about her much and from what he did say I gathered that they ended amicably. He still seemed to have a ton of respect for her. He even took the blame for why the marriage went south. I take a look to my left to check up on Apollo real quick. He still seemed engrossed in the guitar, so I take a deep breath before I take a few cautious steps towards the couch. 

I take a seat on the table in front of him with my hands in my lap but with our knees touching. His eyes are still focused on the floor and he’s bouncing his leg up and down like he’s anxious about something. My heart breaks when my next question pops in my head, just the thought of it is enough to tear me down so I pray that I’m not right when I ask him next. Swallowing the lump in my throat I press on. 

“Did something happen, with the baby?” He’s got a white-knuckle grip on his knees and his lips so tight between his teeth I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s tasting blood. It’s not until his eyes meet mine that the damn breaks. He chokes out a sob and uncontrollable tears start to spill down his face. It’s the barely there nod of affirmation that sends me over the edge with him. 

“Oh, baby.” My hands shoot out to his hair and bring his head down to my lap as I hunch over him. His hands are now holding onto either side of the opening of my jacket. His shoulders are shaking so hard as the relentless sobs wrack his body. I can do nothing but cry with him as I sit hunched over him, doing my best to place gentle kisses on his head to soothe him knowing damn well there’s nothing I can do to ease this pain. 

After quite a few minutes he seems to calm some and the tears seem to have stopped, but we are still in the same position. It’s not until I hear the heavy door of the booth open and Apollo’s happy voice calling for Blake that I move. 

“Daddy are you coming?” I feel Blake tense under my hands, knowing he’s nowhere near feeling able to fake it right now but also not wanting to disappoint his son I decide to handle it. I lift Blake’s face to mine with my hands on his cheeks and place a light kiss on his lips before I turn to acknowledge Apollo while wiping my eyes. 

“Mommy why are you crying? Are you okay?” His tone immediately changed from happy and impatient to concerned. He leans a little to the side and cranes his neck to see around me and get a look at Blake. When he finds his daddy crying and looking at the floor his eyes shoot back up to mine. He had never seen his daddy cry. As far as he was concerned, Blake was a superhero robot who couldn’t be hurt. 

“Honey your dad and I really need to talk. How would you feel about spending the night with your cousins at Uncle Todd’s house?” I try to make my voice as cheery as possible to convince him everything was going to be okay, but my little boy is not stupid. 

“Okay.” He’s hesitant to agree even though he knows he really has no say in the matter. He just wants to make sure everything is okay. 

“Go grab the guitar and meet us by the front door we will be there in a minute. Don’t go outside until we get there. Understand?” He nods and goes to retrieve the guitar walking towards the door of the room we were in. He takes one last longing look over his shoulder at Blake before he walks out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a minute, but here it is. This chapter answers some questions for Gwen. Hope you like it. Please let me know!

“You never told me.” My voice breaks the silence of the room for the first time since we entered the house. Since we had both cars at the studio, Blake told me to drop Apollo off and he would meet me at home. I was hesitant to let him drive because of how emotional he was, but I figured he needed some time alone to think and collect himself, so I relented. Apollo was quite on the way to Todd’s, seeming to understand something was off with Daddy. I knew he wanted to ask questions and I’m not sure why he didn’t. Maybe he could tell I was confused too. I hadn’t called to warn Todd I was coming, so when he answered the door to me with teary red eyes and Apollo he automatically assumed the worst. I wasn’t in any state to tell him anything, so I just made sure he was okay to watch Apollo and left with a promise that I’d be back sometime the next day. 

When I arrived at the house I found Blake sitting at the kitchen table with an unopened bottle of vodka, an empty glass, and his wallet sitting in front of him neatly in line. He didn’t look up, he didn’t even acknowledge my presence when I walked in. All I could think to do was sit next to him in a vacant chair at the table and wait. That is where we still sit now, almost an hour later. My eyes haven’t left his face and his haven’t moved from his wallet. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I decided to bring up the one thing that hurt me most about this revelation. 

“You never told me.” I repeat the sentence, but this time to myself because it feels so unbelievable that he has kept something like that so private from not only me but from the media as well. For the first time since I sat down an hour ago he shifts his gaze to meet mine. It’s almost overwhelming to look in his eyes. There’s a mixture of sadness, pain, and even anger, an emotion I rarely get to see with Blake with the exception of the past couple months. 

“What was I going to say Gwen?” His voice is completely empty. All the emotion it held at the studio has vanished and now it just sounds done. 

“You just say what you’re feeling Blake. I’m your wife, I’m supposed to help you through this kind of stuff, make it better.” I make sure my voice isn’t angry, just sympathetic and understanding. 

“You can’t make this better!” I must have hit a nerve because he immediately bites back at my words with a raised voice and a fist on the table. His words scare me because he was so calm a second ago. Instinctively, I lean back in my chair to put some space between us and I can feel my eyes go wide. There’s regret in his eyes as soon as he sees my reaction. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.” His voice softens, and he reaches his hand out toward me wanting to make contact. I’ve never been afraid of Blake, I’m still not, but I’m slightly shocked at how sudden his mood changed and the way he slammed his fist on the table that I can’t move. When I hesitate to take his hand, I can see one more piece of him break. 

“Please, Gwen.” His voice is quiet but pleading and the tears have begun to gather in his eyes again. His arm is still stretched in my direction with his fingers flexing to reach as far as they can without him leaning his body completely over in the chair. His desperation takes me out of my shocked state as I make sure to confidently reach to take his hand in a firm hold. The last thing I want is for him to start having insecurities or doubts about us or about his character. He lets out a sigh of relief and his shoulders relax when we make contact. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sorry.” 

“You didn’t do anything, it’s me. This just isn’t as simple as talking about the divorce and healing. There is no healing.” 

“You and I both know that’s not true.” He opens his mouth to protest but decides against it, deciding to look down at the table instead with my hand still firmly in his grip. I continue. 

“Blake, baby you wrote a song about this before about your brother. It may be a different kind of pain, but the lyrics are still true, what your dad said to you that inspired you to write that song is still true. Losing someone you love is not something you ever get over, but it is something that you learn to live with and accept. Baby the only way you’re going to be able to live with this and accept it is by talking about it.” 

His eyes closed when I brought up the song and his jaw clenched as I brought up yet another sore subject in his life. It’s as if he’s trying to convince himself that what I’m saying isn’t true or that none of it ever happened. 

“I’ve been living with it, for seventeen years now.” The words are spoken to the table with a shake of the head, but I’m quick to refute. 

“No, you haven’t, you’ve been hiding it, burying it.” My free hand comes to rest on top of our intertwined ones on the table making him look up at me again. 

“How?” The simple, broken question leaves puzzled. 

“How, what baby?” 

“How do I talk about it? How does what I say help me live with it and accept it? I just don’t know how to talk about it. Where to start.” He sounds so lost and small. He almost reminds me of Apollo when he gets upset or is in trouble and trying to apologize. I have to swallow the lump in my throat before answering him. 

“Well, first you can start by telling me about the baby, about what happened.” I’m treading carefully, understanding that I’m asking a lot of him to answer that. I start to worry when he retracts his hand. He reaches for his wallet and holds it with both hands, fidgeting with it. I don’t understand what his deal is with the wallet. He stared at it for an hour and now he is holding it between his fingers like he’s afraid to open it. 

Before I can say anything, he flips it open and slides his finger into a small pocket behind his credit cards. From what I can tell, he pulls out a small white square. He sucks in a breath and holds it there. He turns it over in his fingers and looks it over for a second before holding it out for me to take. 

With the small card between my fingers, I look in his eyes one more time before looking down to see what it is he handed me. When I realize what it is on the small square he handed me, I can’t help the gasp that escapes my lips or the tears that begin to fall down my cheeks. 

The small black and white picture is something familiar to me. It brought me so much joy when I was pregnant with Apollo but looking at this one in particular only brings sadness. It symbolizes something lost, a dream that should have become a reality. 

“Her name was Maybelle.” His voice pulls me from my thoughts as I’m still looking down at the photo in my hand. 

“Maybelle. That’s a beautiful name.” I look up at him and see a small smile grace his lips through the sadness as I compliment his little girl. 

“She was beautiful.” There’s so much longing and love in his voice. After all these years, that love you first develop when you find out you’re expecting hasn’t left him. This little girl is a part of him and always will be. 

“What happened?” I find the courage to ask the question again as I look back down at the fuzzy picture in my hand. Having seen so many of these before because of Apollo, I can tell that little Maybelle was pretty far along. 

I can hear Blake’s breath catch at my question and I look up at him. He reaches for the picture again and instead of handing it to him, I get up and make my way over to his seat. He looks up at me slightly surprised but eventually pushes his chair back enough to make room for me to sit down in his lap. This is the first time we’ve done this is a while, but I feel the need to be close to him. All I want to do is hold him and give him love. I can’t even fathom the thought of losing a baby and knowing he went through this just breaks my heart into a million pieces. My action seemed to give him the confidence he needed to tell the story because he suddenly begins to speak. 

“She actually made it full term. Kaynette had woke me up in the middle of the night that day and told me her water broke. We rushed to the hospital and we were there all day. She was in labor for almost twenty hours.” He pauses to take a few deep breaths and control his emotions, so he can finish the story. 

“I was so excited, Gwen. I was finally getting my baby girl after nine months of imagining what she would look like, I was finally going to get to hold her. Towards the end of the labor things started to go bad. Kay had been at it for so long, she was so exhausted.” At this point he buries his nose in my hair and is speaking in a low tone. His voice is strained but he persists. Maybe he’s feeling better by getting this off his chest for the first time. “The machines started going crazy making all these weird sounds and the next thing I know the doctors are pushing me out of the room telling me that I have to leave so that they can help them.” 

“Blake” I pull back from him some to look in his eyes. I know he wants to finish, but I just want to look at him for a second. As I look in his eyes, I place my hands on his cheeks. The tears haven’t stopped flowing down my face at a steady pace since he handed me the sonogram. The love and admiration I have for my husband just grows in this moment. He has always been my big strong man, but I never knew just how strong he was. When I feel ready I nod, signaling to him that he can continue. Instead of picking up right away he leans down and places a soft, short kiss on my lips. We are both feeding off of each other’s strength right now. 

“I remember sitting outside the door for another hour. Just sitting and staring at the handle, waiting for it to move, waiting for someone to come out and tell me they were okay. I could hear the doctor yelling and giving orders behind the door. All I wanted to do was go in there and find a way to help, but I couldn’t. I was so helpless in that moment. When the doctor finally came out, I could see it on his face that whatever he had to tell me wasn’t good.” 

“I’m so sorry.” I whisper as I shake my head from where it rests under his chin. Either he doesn’t hear me or knows he can’t stop again without breaking down, so he continues. 

“When I stood up he told me what had happened. He basically said that Kay’s body started to give out and she couldn’t handle the labor anymore. Her blood pressure was super high and both her and the baby were in danger. When they finally got Maybelle out, she wasn’t breathing. They tried, but they just couldn’t get her little heart beating. The stress of the labor was too much on her. He said that we were lucky that Kaynette had survived. He told me that I could go in and say goodbye to Maybelle with Kaynette before they had to take her, so I did. When I walked in, Kay was cradling her in her arms sobbing. I sat with her on the bed. I got to hold Maybelle for about half an hour before the doctors came in to take her. We buried her later that week.” When he finishes the story, he plucks the photo from my hands and gives it one more longing look before setting it on the table in front of us. There’s silent tears streaming down his face as he remembers the details of what has to be the hardest day of his life, so I reach up to wipe them off his cheeks. 

Saying I’m sorry again just seems pointless. Me apologizing to him for the loss of his baby girl isn’t going to make it better, it isn’t going to bring her back. He was right, I can’t make this better. This loss is too great. This is something that he will carry and always dread. He’s projecting his fears, especially because he knows that I would be a high-risk pregnancy due to my age. I can’t be mad at him for that. I would do the same thing. Putting your heart out on the line for love again and again is hard, but it’s bearable. Losing a child twice isn’t. He’s trying to spare himself the pain. I can’t stand to see my cowboy so broken down. I’m so desperate to see him smile right now and I think I know how to do it. Still with my hands cupping his cheeks, I find his gaze hoping he will have the reaction I think he will, it could go either way. 

“What did she look like?” His arms tighten around my waist and he sucks in a breath. He looks up at the ceiling briefly, but when he looks back into my eyes his gaze is somewhere else. He’s looking at me but he’s not in this moment, he’s back in that hospital room staring down at his baby girl in his arms. The smile on his face is so full of love. 

“Gwen, she was the most beautiful little baby I had ever seen. She had the lightest brown hair. She was so soft and she had the cutest chunky little arms and cheeks. She looked so at peace when I held her, like she was sleeping. I remember forgetting for a second that she wasn’t alive and I was just sitting there with her so excited, waiting for her to open her eyes. I wanted to see if she got mine or Kay’s. I held her little hand and stroked her cheek for as long as I could wanting to burn her image in my memory because she was just the image of perfection and she was mine and I made her. It was too bad I couldn’t save her.” The smile that had taken over his face disappears at his last words and his eyes come back to reality filled with guilt. 

“Baby, this is not your fault.” 

“Maybe it is. Maybe I didn’t take good enough care of Kaynette when she was pregnant. Maybe I could have done more. Maybe if I had gotten her to the hospital sooner. Maybe if I would have noticed something was off earlier that day. Maybe if we would have changed our diet. Maybe if I wouldn’t have fought with her the day before and stressed her out. What if I did everything wrong?” He was getting worked up again. His breaths were getting faster and his jaw was clenching in between words. 

“You’ve been carrying this around with you all these years?” I felt so bad for him that he had been carrying around this guilt over something that he couldn’t have controlled. 

He gave me a tense nod, making sure that he was looking anywhere else but at me. If I had to describe how he looked in that moment, all I would be able to come up with would be ashamed. Ashamed of himself because he believes he let that happen. No more. 

“This wasn’t your fault.” My voice is stern, mimicking the voice I use for Apollo when I want to make sure he knows I’m serious. 

“Gwe..” 

“No, Blake!” Instead of leaning on him now I sit up on his lap and put my hands firmly on his shoulders pushing him against the back of the chair, so I know he can look at me clearly. He seems surprised by my shift in tone, so he doesn’t try to speak again. He just stares at me, waiting. 

“I refuse to let you sit here and think that way for one more second! You did absolutely nothing wrong, and I don’t have to have been there to know that. You want to know why?” 

“Why?” He answers, clearing his throat still unconvinced. 

“Because you, Blake Shelton, are the most loving, attentive, and gentle giant on the planet.” I shift my hands from his shoulders to his cheeks, squeezing them with every word, staring into his eyes with all the sincerity that I possess. I earn a small smile from him with the last part and even though there’s still sadness in his eyes, his love for me still shines through as I look at him. That just further proves my statement. 

“Baby, you barely let me lift a finger around here without you stepping in to help in one way or another. No matter what, you always have time for Apollo, even if it means you have to put down whatever it is you are working on to pay attention to him for a second. When you play with him, you’re always so cautious and make sure it doesn’t get too rough. Blake you’re teaching him how to be a man and how to treat others with the same care and respect that you do. Hell, you taught me how to love again, how to trust again. You picked me up and put me back together piece by piece, and you handled each piece with care and endless patience making sure you put it back just right. You can not convince me that this man was not the same man with Kaynette, so don’t you dare sit here and tell me you didn’t do enough or that you weren’t there for her!” I pause for a second to take a breath and instead of squeezing his cheeks between my fingers, now I gently run my hands down to his scruff, softly scratching my fingers through it like I know he likes and lean forward to place my forehead on his. Closing my eyes, I whisper my last words. 

“I know you may not believe me right now, but I’m going to try my hardest to make you see. This was not your fault baby, this was not your fault.” His arms tighten around me bringing me closer and I can feel his exhale against my lips as he processes my words. We sit there with our eyes closed, foreheads together, my fingers in his scruff, and his arms holding me against him for I don’t know how long before his whispered, raspy drawl breaks the silence again. 

“I believe you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is slightly shorter than the others, but I felt like I found a good place to stop. Just because it's shorter doesn't mean it isn't jam packed with emotion though, so I hope y'all enjoy it. Also I'm about halfway done with an update for Trying to figure it Out, so that should be coming soon.

We took some time to compose ourselves after the conversation, just sitting and holding each other together. When the breathing evened out and the tension in the room seemed to dissipate, we let ourselves relish in the others touch for just a second before feeling the need to pull away. Just because we are on the same page now doesn’t take away from the fact that we really haven’t touched all that much in two months with the exception of that amazing kiss in the studio and the comforting touches now. We will get better now I know it, but we need to work back into it. 

We didn’t say a word to each other the rest of the day. Blake pretty much kept to himself. I could tell he was trying to keep his distance and I let him. I didn’t take it personal because I knew it wasn’t about me. I basically made him relive the most tragic thing that has ever happened to him today. He needs space, he needs time to process. I kept myself busy in some other room trying not to think about the pain he’s been shouldering. I was relieved when my phone rang because I was starting to lose control and my thoughts were taking over. I picked it up without even looking at who it was. 

“Hello.” I sounded tired, even I could hear it. 

“Hey, sis. Everything alright?” It was Todd. His voice sounded hesitant but concerned. I can’t blame him for being worried, I dropped Apollo off this morning in tears and didn’t tell him anything. I know he didn’t get anything from Apollo either because all he knew was that “mommy and daddy had to have a grown up talk.” 

“Yeah everything’s fine. Everything will be fine at least.” I let out with a sigh, sounding unsure. “What’s up? Is Apollo okay?” I perch myself on the end of the bed and start to play with the hem of my shirt while I wait for an answer. 

“Yeah, yeah he’s fine. Maybe a little concerned, but he’s fine. We were actually about to sit down and eat dinner.” Dinner? I bring my phone down from my ear to look at the time. Oh my gosh it’s already seven. Today has just felt like a time warp, I didn’t realize how long I had been sitting up here. 

“Can I talk to him?” I know he’s worried. He doesn’t like seeing people sad especially his daddy, so I want to give him some reassurance before he has to go to bed. 

“Mommy?” I almost break at the sound of his little voice coming over the phone. I have always been thankful for my little miracle, but after today the feeling is just overwhelming. He is such a blessing. 

“Hey baby.” I don’t have to fake the smile on my face or the happy tone because it’s so real. Getting to talk to him right now is all I needed. 

“Hey mommy. What are you doing?” He’s curious, trying to figure out if everything is okay. 

“Nothing, just cleaning up mommy and daddy’s bedroom a little bit. What are you doing, huh? I heard you’re about to sit down to eat some dinner. What’s on the menu?” 

“Uhhh…” I hear him get up and start walking, I assume towards the kitchen to try and get a peak at what he’ll be served in a few minutes. “I think chicken nuggets and macaroni’s.” I can tell there’s smile as he says it to me. All you need to distract a child is chicken nuggets, I swear. 

“Yum! You better save some for me mister.” 

“Nuh, uh mommy!” His voice gets a little high and he giggles his response making me chuckle. 

“Well alright little man. I’ll let you go hog all the nuggets from your cousins. Make sure you use your manners, understand?” 

“I will.” I can almost see him rolling his eyes over the phone, having been reminded of the same thing hundreds of times before. 

“Bye baby. I love you.” 

“Wait!” I pause, clamping my eyes shut and biting my lip because I know what he’s going to ask me. 

“Yeah baby?” 

“Can I talk to daddy?” I’m tempted to tell him no, that Blake’s sleeping or something, but the hope in his voice has me standing up to go search for Blake hoping he’ll be in the mood to take the call. 

“Let me go find him. Give me a minute, okay?” 

“Okay.” As soon as I get his response I bring the phone down from my ear and put it on mute just in case Blake says no. 

I find him in the den with his head resting on the back of the couch and eyes glued to the black screen of the television. I don’t know if he heard me come downstairs or not, but he doesn’t move. I approach him slowly with my phone tightly clutched in my hand. As I reach the back of the couch where his head is, I take my free hand and gently run it through his curls to get his attention. Finally turning his head to acknowledge my presence and look me in the eye, I give him a small, sad smile. 

“Hey.” I keep my voice quiet as to not disturb the calm of the room. 

“Hey.” His voice is deep and rough from not being used for a while. He returns the small smile I gave him and gestures for me to come around the front of the couch. I don’t really know where to sit or how close considering it’s still kind of awkward between us. Seeing my hesitation, Blake pats the cushion right next to him. Remembering that Apollo is on the phone, I sit down quickly. 

“Apollo is on the phone. He’s asking for you. It’s okay if you don’t feel like you can talk to him right now, I just wanted to give you the opportunity if maybe you wanted to. It’s not a big deal really, I can just tell him you’re sleeping. I know you’ve been through a lot today.” I couldn’t stop the rambling once it started. I felt like I really didn’t know how to approach him because I didn’t really know how he was feeling at the moment. I mean I know he’s sad, but like I don’t really know how stable his emotions are right now. I could barely keep it together, so he’s probably worse. I didn’t want to push him. He shuts me up by reaching over and gently taking the phone out of my hand, brushing my fingers in the process and maintaining eye contact. 

“I am always happy and willing to talk to him. Don’t ever worry about asking me something like that again. No matter what, Gwen.” He places his other hand on my knee and squeezes. I know he’s waiting for confirmation that I heard him before he answers the phone, so I nod at him and place both my hand over his on my leg. 

I stare down at his overworked, rough and calloused hand while listening to him talk to our son on the phone. I find my self not really paying attention and getting lost in thought, second guessing myself. Maybe we shouldn’t try for a baby. I mean what if something does happen. I don’t think Blake would be able to go through that again. What about us, are we okay? I don’t know how he could keep that secret this entire time and trust me like he says he does. How do you keep that from the person that you love for so long? I just don’t understand how he hasn’t exploded from carrying all this weight by himself for so long. 

I’m pulled out of my thoughts when I feel Blake twist his hand to intertwine our fingers and pull my hand into his lap. 

“Gwen. Gwen?” I snap my head up to look him in the eye. Not realizing that he had been calling for me. “Are you okay?” He looks concerned. He could probably tell that I wasn’t having very good thoughts right then. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. What did Apollo say?” I try and brush it off as nothing, but I know he’s not going to let it go. 

“He just told me what they were having for dinner and that he missed us. He sounded a little worried, but I think I eased his mind some.” He says the words quick like he’s not worried about that and wants to talk about something else. 

“Gwen what’s going on? What’s going through your head? Don’t tell me it’s nothing.” 

“It’s really not important Blake. Don’t worry about it, okay? I’m just worried about you. Are you feeling alright?” 

“No, it is important. Honey, I know that you’re going to have feelings about what I told you today too. That’s why I talked about it right, so we could work through it together? Get stronger? You told me so.” Damn him for using my words against me. 

“I guess, I don’t know, I guess I’m just worried.” My eyes are back to focusing on his knuckles, but I can feel his stare fixated on the crown of my head. I really don’t feel like talking about this right now. I don’t have my thoughts in order. I’m tired. I’m emotional. I know nothing I say is going to come out right or make sense. 

“Worried about what? Gwen, I’ll be okay. I just don’t like to talk about it is all. I’m glad you know now. I should have told you a long time ago. I’m sorry about that.” His voice is concerned and apologetic and even though I’m relieved that he’s okay, it’s not what I was concerned about. 

“That’s not it. I know you’re strong. I know you’ll be okay.” I shake my head as I speak. My words only confuse him even more and even without looking at him, I can tell you he’s squinting his eyes and searching his brain for the next possible reason. 

“Then what are you worried about, honey? Please talk to me.” Funny. For the past two months I have been saying those same exact words to him, yet I just got down to the bottom of what was going on a few hours ago. Granted he was just trying to spare himself from reliving that traumatic time in his life, but why shouldn’t I be extended that same courtesy. Logically I know the anger I’m feeling is unwarranted and unfair, but I can’t control it from boiling over. This roller coaster of emotions I’ve been on for the past two months with him, to finally hitting the peak of it today is starting to take its toll. 

Before he can react, I’m pulling my hand out from under his so fast you’d think his touch burned me and shooting up off the couch. I fix my eyes on him and I can see the moment he registers that I’m angry because his eyes go wide, and he hesitantly brings his hands out in front of him like he’s about to try and tell me to calm down. He doesn’t get a chance to. 

“I gave you time. You didn’t want to talk, so we didn’t. You left me in the dark and not just for two months either. No! You have kept me in the dark for over five years, Blake! And you know what, you didn’t have to tell me everything immediately either, but at least don’t sit there and tell me that you’ve never had the opportunity to have kids. That nobody you were with ever wanted to or that it was never the right time. That lie. That lie, made me feel like when I brought up the idea about maybe having one with me, you would be so happy because I wanted to give you something you’ve always wanted. It made me think that you would jump at the opportunity, but instead all I got was shut out. I came to you with something that meant so much to me, what I thought meant so much to US, but you made me feel like shit for even mentioning it!” I can see how bad my words are making him feel and I know I’m being kind of harsh considering the conversation we had this morning, but I can’t stop it. He needs to know how he made me feel. 

“Gwen. I didn’t, I wasn’t…” He’s stuttering over his words, not knowing what to say. That’s okay because I’m not done. 

“No! It’s still my turn!” I bring one hand to my hip and the other one comes up to point at him. “All day I’ve felt like a complete bitch because I’ve been thinking about the past couple months when I kept bringing it up and pushing you to talk or picking a fight. All those nights I made you sleep on the couch with god knows what running through your head. The nightmares that I wasn’t there to help you through.” There’s tears collecting behind my eyes and my voice is cracking more frequently with every sentence, but he needs to know. He needs to know. 

“You’re not a bitch, Gwen. I’m not mad at you for any of that, baby please.” He reaches his hand out towards me and he’s pleading for me to sit down next to him again. I slap his hand out from in front of me and continue. This time I’m not yelling, but my tone is serious and strong. 

“I’m so sorry for what you went through Blake, but you should have at least hinted at what was going on. It doesn’t just affect you anymore. It affects us, it affects Apollo. Every time we fight, every time we yell, or even every time we avoid each other’s eyes in front of him affects him. You don’t think he’s noticed the tension in the house here lately? You think it was right for him to see us crying this morning just to be dropped off somewhere else without any explanation? That’s not healthy for him. You think it’s right for a husband and a wife to sleep in different rooms, to not kiss or make love for months? Do you think it’s fair for me to miss you and long for you the way that I have when you’re only ten feet away? Maybe I haven’t said it enough, but I need you Blake. You don’t realize how much. I love you Blake and I hate that I have wasted two months not getting to show you every day over this.” 

The tears are running down my face now as I stand there and look at him. He’s got his elbows on his knees and his mouth resting against his clenched hands. His jaw is set and his cheeks are wet. He’s staring up at me with so much regret in his eyes like he just realized that his pain is our pain. He didn’t realize how hurt I was, he just thought I was pissed at him this entire time. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize how much I was hurting you guys. I was so selfish. I’m so sorry. I love you and Apollo so much. I’m so sorry.” He whispers the words, sounding disgusted with himself. He slowly stands up, and almost like he’s approaching a wild animal takes a step closer. He reaches out and takes my hand in his not breaking eye contact. I let him hold it for a few seconds, but then it all becomes too much and I pull my hand from his grasp and run up the stairs. I slam the door of our bedroom behind me and curl up on his side of the bed clutching his pillow to my chest sobbing. I must have fallen asleep because next thing I know, I’m opening my eyes to a dark room covered with the blanket and a killer headache. Blake must have come up and covered me up when he found me asleep. Now that I’m calm and have had some sleep I take some time to reflect over what I said to Blake. I don’t regret what I said, but I do regret how I said it and how harsh I was about it. He already carried all this guilt over what happened and here I am making him feel even worse. 

I groan and roll over onto my back, bringing a hand to my forehead as I stare up at the ceiling fan. After the pounding in my head seems to dull a little bit I find it in me to roll over to look at the clock on the nightstand. One o’clock in the morning, great. Sitting up against the headboard, I also see a bottle of Aleve and a bottle of water by the bed, something else Blake must have done when he found me asleep. With a slight pout on my face I reach over and grab the items. I’m starting to feel so bad for how I yelled and feel an overwhelming need to seem him even if he’s asleep, so I pop a couple pills out of the bottle and wash them down with some water before getting up out of bed and preparing myself to go downstairs. 

Just like every other night, I find him on the couch with his head propped up with a pillow, two blankets covering his body, and Betty curled up on the floor beside him. This time though, he doesn’t have the television on. He’s just laying there in silence. I can’t tell if he’s asleep from where I’m standing on the stairs, so I finish my decent and start tiptoeing closer just in case he is asleep. 

I find out he’s awake when I approach the end of the couch where is feet are. He lifts his head to watch me walking towards him. He doesn’t open his mouth to say a word, he just waits to see what I’ll do. Realizing we need to stop apologizing and start doing things to start moving forward, I walk even closer until I’m standing right next to where he’s laying on the couch. I take one more deep breath and lower myself to lay down next to him with my head on his shoulder, one leg thrown over his and my fingers toying with the hem of his shirt. He tenses in surprise momentarily before he relaxes at my touch and uses his free arm to throw the blanket over me as well. He doesn’t wrap his arm around me to hold me, instead he starts brushing his fingers through my hair because he knows it calms me down and helps with my headaches. He turns his head so that his nose is resting right at my hairline and breathes me in. We lay there for several moments awake, every touch an apology that does more than the words ever could. As the minutes pass we can both feel ourselves getting more tired and before I drift off I hear him whisper something into the darkness. 

“Are you sure you still want me?” His insecure words make me inhale in surprise. I don’t answer right away, I just turn my nose deeper into the side of his chest and squeeze my eyes shut. Finally knowing what to say I look up at him from where my head rests on his shoulder to find his gaze already on me. 

“I told you earlier that it wasn’t right for a husband and a wife to sleep in different rooms.” After I speak the words I turn my head back to its initial position, close my eyes and wait for sleep to overtake me. He lets out a sigh of relief when he processes my words. I thought about asking him for a kiss, but it feels like it’s too soon, so I settle for my hand moving up and down slightly on his chest with each breath he takes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think? Do you think Gwen was entitled to have her outburst? Do you think she was unfair? Can you understand where she's coming from? Let me know what you think in the comments please!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this chapter! I hope you do too! Thanks for being so patient with me with the updates. Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think.

Warm and safe. These feelings are there to greet me as I start to wake up and they bring a smile to my face. Without opening my eyes, I find myself snuggling further into them wanting them to stay with me forever, having missed them for so long. Feeling so content and still being halfway in dreamland keeps me from realizing where I am, that is until I feel a hand gripping my hip helping to bring me closer. Fully awake now I look up to find a pair of red rimmed eyes staring back at me. 

Gently I shift from being nestled into his side to laying on top of him with our stomachs pressed together and my forearms resting on his chest so that I can look down at him. He shifts as well, hesitantly bringing his arms tightly around my lower back maintaining that sense of security I felt earlier. He looks so exhausted, yet ready to jump to do anything I asked of him after what I said to him last night. 

I bring my hand up to his face and use my thumb to slowly trace the bags under his eyes. His gaze stays focused on me with his lips slightly parted almost like he’s looking at me with wonder. 

“You didn’t sleep.” I speak with a hushed tone as to not disturb the quite peace of the morning. 

He slightly shakes his head back and forth on the pillow to verify my statement, but shortly after decides he should probably actually say something. 

“I couldn’t.” His voice is gravely and raw from all the emotion. He pauses to clear his throat. “I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said.” Immediately I look away, the guilt creeping its way back inside my heart. 

“Blake, I…” 

“No, stop don’t apologize. You had every right to say everything you said because you’re right.” He moves his hands to my hips and pushes for me to sit up. Following me up, we find ourselves sitting face to face with me straddling him. I don’t really know what to say so I just nod, the silence between us becoming somewhat awkward again. I break eye contact and focus my attention on the window behind him. 

“Gwen?” Him calling out for me breaks me out of my trance, so I slowly move my eyes back to his that seemed to be full of concern. I want us to move on from this. I want him to be my husband again. I want to be able to sit in his lap in silence without feeling awkward about it. I want to be able to kiss him without hesitation, but most of all I want to trust him again. 

“There’s nothing else?” His concern turns to surprise and then confusion all in a matter of a few seconds as he processes my words. 

“What?” He gulps and clears his throat, shaking his head at me. 

“There’s nothing else that I need to know? Nothing else that you have been keeping to yourself that you think you should tell me?” My words come out more vulnerable than I would have liked, but I literally don’t know what I would do with myself if he decided to drop another bomb on me right now. I would honestly question if I ever actually knew this man holding me right now. 

“No. Absolutely not.” He adamantly shakes his head and his grip tightens on my hips. I unconsciously let out a sigh of relief, but I know part of me doesn’t look convinced because his demeanor changes completely. His hands fall from my waist and come to sit between us, his shoulders sag, and his head drops. 

“You don’t believe me.” He looks and sounds completely crushed. 

“No, Blake I do believe you.” The words rush out of my mouth to try and stop him from thinking that way because I do believe him, I do. I guess there’s just this little part of me that worries. I also know that even though he kept this from me, I still trust this man in front of me more than I trust anyone else. 

“It’s okay. I understand. I broke your trust and I’m going to have to get it back but believe me I will do everything to show you how much I love you and Apollo and that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt either of you.” Not once does he break eye contact. He is so serious right now and I can hear the emotion building behind his voice. I nod along to let him know I’m hearing him. 

“We’re going to be okay.” At this point I’m not just telling him but myself as well. I take a few deep breaths and motion for him to do them with me because he got a little worked up and we both need to calm down. After about a minute our breathing is synced up and we seem to have gathered ourselves. 

“I love you. I’m sorry.” There’s so much sincerity behind his words. 

“No more apologies. I love you too.” When he hears me return the sentiment he takes one more deep breath before closing his eyes and leaning forwards to lean his forehead against mine as he wraps me in a hug. This may sound weird, but this hug wasn’t just a typical display of affection, this hug was submissive. In this moment he was relinquishing control. He was finally giving himself over to me completely and letting me know that we are now truly one because there is nothing else the other does not know, so I hug him back as firmly as I can manage soaking him in. The moment was brief, but it conveyed a strong message. 

“We should go get Apollo. He’ll be excited to see you.” Just like I knew it would, a huge grin appears on his face. Blake’s relationship with Apollo is so strong. They truly are best buds. 

“I want to see him too. I miss him.” As always Blake’s tone is soft while he talks about his little cowboy. 

“Then let’s get going. Maybe we can catch him before Todd and Jen give him breakfast and we can take him out.” I move to start getting out of his lap to get ready to go get Apollo, but Blake's voice stops me. 

“Wait!” I pause with my hands on his shoulders, one knee still bent beside him on the couch, and one foot on the floor. I look back down at him to see what he wants. 

“What?” As soon as my eyes meet his, he suddenly changes his mind. A small frown appears on his face and he shakes his head breaking eye contact with me. 

“Nothing, nothing never mind, let’s go.” He turns his head and tries to shift to the side, so he can stand up but I don’t let him. I reach out and turn his face back towards me with a gentle hand on the cheek. 

“What did you have to say? No more hiding remember?” Without warning or question his lips are on mine. I can tell they’re hesitant, not knowing if he crossed a line, unsure if I’m ready for this. Little did he know that kiss was all I wanted in that moment and the fact that he didn’t ask me made me even happier. I want him to be confident in our relationship, I want him to feel like he can act without fear of rejection. 

Instead of pulling away to let him know it was okay, I decide to deepen the kiss. As I kiss him back, I lower myself to sit back down straddling his lap like I was a minute ago. Only when my fingers find themselves lost in his curls does he find the confidence to lick at my lips to ask permission. I moan at the sensation and let him in without hesitation. Aside from the kiss at the studio this is our first proper kiss in months. Forget make out, this is our first kiss in forever so I’m not eager to pull away and he doesn’t seem to be either. 

I feel his hands teasingly slide up my thighs to my sides. His hands still though as soon as his thumbs are resting right under my breasts, not sure how far he should push. I know we shouldn’t because we still have a shit ton of stuff to work through and talk about, but I missed my husband. Moaning, I break the kiss and lean forward towards his ear where I nibble on his earlobe. 

“Keep going.” I whisper is a desperate voice as soon as I soothe away my nibble with a swipe of my tongue. Immediately he moans out my name and reconnects our lips, sliding his hands up over my breasts squeezing them through my shirt. Hearing him say my name like that turns me on even more and has me grinding down in his lap. The intensity of the feeling has me throwing my head back in pleasure. That doesn’t slow him down though because he just moves on to my neck where he interchanges soft bites with wet kisses. His hands are on my hips now guiding my movements, the feeling that much more intense with only the thin fabric of our sleep bottoms in the way. Needing his lips on mine again I forcefully pull his head up from my neck and attack his mouth with sloppy tongue kisses that he is all too eager to accept. The pace changes though when I push against his chest for him to lean back against the back of the couch. The kiss seems to slow down in this moment and our hands become less rough and greedy. It becomes more of a dance rather than a fight and the romance that I thought was lost starts to reappear with every stroke of his tongue against mine. 

When we finally will ourselves to pull away to catch our breath neither of us is looking anywhere but at each other. One of my hands slides out from his hair to rest on his stubble, thumbing at his bottom lip and his hands soothingly run up and down the length of my back. 

“Thank you.” His soft whisper breaks the silence once our breathing seems to even out. 

“For what?” 

“For everything. For loving me, for being so patient with me, for understanding, for forgiving me. The list goes on, Gwen. I seriously doubt there is anyone else who wouldn’t have walked away from me after all the crap I put you through these last two months. You’re rare, Gwen.” 

He has a small smirk on his face at the end and I huff out a laugh at his last choice of words and wipe under my eyes to catch any potential tears that I can feel building behind my eyes. 

“Well, only a stupid girl would let you go.” He chuckles and leans forward to place a short peck on my lips. 

“Seriously though Blake, I love you and I was not willing to throw away five years over a couple of months. You’re such a good husband and a good father, so deep down I knew there had to be a good reason why you were so frustrated.” His breath catches when I call him a good father. It’s not a new term that I’m using to describe him, hell Apollo calls him daddy, but hearing it now after what he told me catches him off guard. 

“I love you.” Hearing him say those three little words on a regular basis again is such a good feeling and has me smiling. 

“I love you too. Now let’s go collect our little cowboy and take him for breakfast before his head explodes.” He chuckles because he’s probably picturing Apollo right now and realizing how accurate I am. Apollo doesn’t like being left out of the loop. 

“Yeah we should probably get going.” He leans in one more time and give’s me one last squeeze for good measure. 

After we got up off the couch we went and threw some clothes on really quick and jumped in the car. The ride was relatively quiet as we drove the 30 minutes to go pick up our little boy. Blake’s hand hasn’t left my leg since we pulled out of the driveway. We didn’t call to let Todd know we were coming because we wanted to surprise Apollo 

As soon as we pull up to the house and the car is in park we get out and quickly make our way to the front door ringing the doorbell. While we wait for someone to answer, Blake reaches over and takes my hand in his giving it a soft squeeze. I can tell he’s anxious and ready to see Apollo. 

A sleep deprived looking Jen opens the door and gives us the best smile she can pull off in the moment. Unfortunately, it gets interrupted by a yawn. I immediately feel terrible knowing that Apollo is probably the reason she looks so tired. He probably gave them hell going to bed because he was worried about what was going on at home. Obviously, our phone call didn’t do much to ease his mind. Before I can even start to apologize, Jen starts to speak. 

“Hey guys, come in. Apollo’s still sleeping. He kind of had a rough night. He’s upstairs with Todd in our room.” As we walk further into the house we are greeted by Stella and Leo who are distracted eating cereal and watching cartoons. I feel Blake deflate beside me when he hears about Apollo’s rough night and that he’s still sleeping. 

“Jen, I’m sorry we just pawned him off to you guys yesterday on such short notice. We just had some things to talk about.” She quickly brushes off my apology and shakes her head. 

"Don’t even worry about it you two. That is what family’s for and I know you guys would take Stella and Leo in a heartbeat if we needed you.” 

“We would. No question.” Blake is quick to reaffirm her statement surprising us both as he hadn’t said a word since we got here. Jen simply smiles at him and gives him a short nod. 

“Why don’t you guys come in the kitchen and get something to drink?” Jen gestures towards the kitchen with her thumb and starts to turn to walk that way, but Blake stops her. 

“Actually, uhm, would you mind if I went up to see him? I just, uhm…” His free hand reaches up to rub at the back of his neck and the hand holding mine tightens its grip as he bashfully asks to go upstairs. Jen doesn’t even let him finish talking before she is giving him permission, sensing something is obviously off with him. 

“Yeah sure, go ahead. Todd is in there with him though just to warn you.” 

“It’s fine. I’ll try not to wake him.” At that he releases my hand and is almost jogging up the steps. Jen watches him until he makes it to the top and then is turning back to me and giving me a questioning looks before walking into the kitchen expecting me to follow her. I do. 

“Sorry again, Jen.” Even though she said it was fine I still can’t help but feel bad that Apollo kept them up all night. 

“Stop, it’s really not a problem. Now are you going to tell me what’s going on with Blake up there or why you dropped Apollo off yesterday with tears in your eyes?” She hands me a cup of tea as she perches herself on a stool across from me at the island. I look down at the mug in my hands not really sure what I should say. I know I’m not going to tell her everything just because I know Blake wouldn’t want me to. 

“We just had some stuff to work out.” I keep my answer as vague as possible. 

“Are you guys okay now though?” She’s eyeing me. I know she really wants to know all the details because as long as she’s known Blake she hasn’t heard of us fighting over more than where to go to dinner. 

“I think so. We will be at least.” She nods he head and seems to stop herself from asking her next question a few times before she just decides to go for it. 

“Gwen, he didn’t… he didn’t cheat, did he?” I almost spit out the tea I had in my mouth. I almost laugh at how weird the question even sounds in context with Blake. 

“Really?” I look up at her and chuckle letting her know how ridiculous the idea even is. She smiles at my response and seems to let out a sigh of relief. 

“I didn’t think so, but I just had to make sure. Apollo said you guys have been fighting at home a lot lately, then he said you and Blake were both crying yesterday morning at the studio.” I close my eyes and swallow the lump that forms in my throat at her confession. I knew he sensed some of the tension, but I thought we had been hiding the fights pretty well. I guess not. 

“Yeah, it’s been kind of stressful and tense her lately, but I think we’re coming around the other side of it. I thought we were shielding Apollo from it for the most part but apparently, he knows more than he lets on. God I’m a terrible mother. How could I let him see us fighting like that?” I bury my face and in my hands and fight back the urge to scream. 

“Hey, hey, hey don’t say that Gwen. You are an amazing mother and Blake is an amazing father to that little boy. All couples fight, what’s important is that he sees you guys get through it.” She comes around the island and rubs my shoulder. I lift my head from my hands and bring my arm around her for a side hug. 

“Thanks, Jen I needed to hear that today.” 

“Anytime. Just so you know, I’m rooting for you two. You guys have always been so perfect for each other. I know it’ll all turn out okay.” 

“Thanks. I know it will too. He’s a good man, he just forgets how great he is sometimes." 

“Yeah he is. Is he okay though? He seems kind of off.” I sigh at the question because I honestly don’t know if he’s okay. He seems to be better after telling me everything, but now I know he’s good at hiding things. What if he’s bottling stuff up just because he doesn’t want to let me know he’s anymore upset than he already is? I just give Jen the answer I know I can. 

“I think he’s okay, we talked about a lot of stuff last night and it was really emotionally draining. Right now he’s just feeling a little guilty about all the fighting around Apollo, that’s why he was so desperate to see him I think.” 

“You guys wouldn’t have happened to be talking about having another baby, would you?” My eyes go wide and I lose my breath at the sudden question. I forgot I had told Jen that I had been wanting another baby and was thinking about bringing it up to Blake. Luckily Blake saves me from having to answer that question by walking into the kitchen. 

I can tell seeing Apollo got to him because as soon as he walks into the kitchen he’s walking up to me and hugging me from behind, hiding his face in my neck to avoid having to look at Jen. I don’t bring anymore attention to it, so I just smile at Jen and bring my hand up to run through his curls. 

“How was he?” I ask him as I turn to kiss the top of his head. 

“He’s knocked out. I think we’ve got a while before he’s up.” He sounds disappointed. I know he wanted to spend time with him and get to take him out for his favorite breakfast to try and make up for everything. 

“That’s okay, we’ll take him out for pancakes tomorrow baby.” He places a quick kiss on my neck before standing up straight and sitting on the stool next to me. Jen is quick to get a coffee in front of him seeing the exhaustion in his eyes as well. 

“Do you guys want some breakfast while you wait?” I look to Blake and he shakes his head, I’m not terribly hungry right now either. 

“No, thanks Jen we’re good.” 

“Alright well, would you mind keeping an eye on Stella and Leo? I really want to take a shower.” 

“Absolutely. No problem, go. Take your time.” Blake and I stand up with our mugs in our hands and guide her out of the kitchen and to the stairs. 

“Thanks. They should be fine. Their cartoons are on for a while.” 

“Don’t worry about it we got it, go.” With that she bounds up the stairs and Blake and I make our way into the den to sit with the kids while they watch tv. They don’t even acknowledge us as we sit down, too distracted with the characters on the screen. 

I sit pressed up against Blake’s side and allow myself to get lost inside my head for a minute as we wait for our baby boy to wake up. I think back to this morning and our kisses. I finally felt wanted by him again and it didn’t feel like a makeup kiss. We were doing it because we wanted to because we desired each other. It was so amazing. I find myself looking up at him from my spot next to him. He looks down when he senses my eyes on him. I smile at him and reach up to brush his curls out of his face and he traces my jaw with his knuckles. 

“We’re going to be okay.” His words take me by surprise. It’s the first time he has said that. Every other time he has been asking me if we were going to be okay or asking me if I still wanted him, so to hear him say those words with confidence does wonders at boosting mine. 

“We are.” I say back to him and he nods at me with a sparkle in his eye that I thought had been put out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It looks like things are finally taking a turn for the best. Leave me a comment with your thoughts, please!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I know it's been a while. Hope y'all still remember this one! I'm a little rusty, but please still tell me what you think.

About an hour later we hear heavy footsteps making their way down the stairs accompanied by a deep yawn, letting us know it was Todd and not just Jen coming down from her shower. We had heard the water turn off about twenty minutes ago, but she hadn’t found her way back downstairs yet. I wouldn’t blame her if she fell asleep in her robe after the night she had. Blake immediately looks up when he realizes it’s Todd, hoping to see Apollo in his arms as well. He finds himself disappointed again, as Todd didn’t have any company other than the bags he carried under his eyes. He doesn’t look surprised to see us when he spots us on the couch. He must have talked to Jen before he came down. 

“Good morning” He greets us through yet another yawn as he shuffles his way into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes in search for what I can only assume to be coffee. 

I share a look with Blake, prompting him to stay put before getting up to follow my brother to the kitchen. I wanted a minute alone to talk with him before he talked to Blake. When I dropped Apollo off yesterday and he saw how upset I was, he immediately became angry at Blake without even knowing what was going on. I wanted to fix that and clear up any assumptions that he may have made before he took anything out on Blake. 

He’s got his back to me pouring himself a cup of coffee when I walk in. There’s a slouch in his shoulders and a laziness to his motions that only comes with pure exhaustion, my guilt from dropping Apollo on them mounting even more. Before he even notices I’m in the room, I walk up behind him, wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head between his shoulders. He tenses momentarily, but after a couple short seconds I feel him relax again and resume his actions. 

“Thank you.” I whisper into his back, giving him a squeeze for good measure. 

He sighs and moves to turn around to face me, forcing me to drop my arms from around his waist and take a step back. He’s leaning against he counter with his legs crossed, bed head, sleepy eyes, holding a steaming cup of coffee. To any onlooker he’d seem relaxed, but I could see the worry in his eyes. He speaks up before I can say anything. 

“Just tell me, do I hate him now?” An uncontrollable giggle came out of my mouth at the idea of my brother even feeling like he had to ask that question. Todd loves Blake so much, they are best friends. The worry seems to fade some when he sees my reaction, but it still lingers. 

“No.” I say softly, bringing a hand up to tuck my hair behind my ear. 

“Well alright then. Come on let’s go.” He nods to the entrance of the kitchen, pushing himself to stand upright and start walking back towards the living room where Blake and the kids are. I sigh with relief that he didn’t push to try and see what happened yesterday. Todd and I have always been close, he knows that I’ll tell him when the time is right. For now, he just needed to know if I was alright. 

When we walk back into the living room Blake takes a quick worried glance at Todd before reconnecting with my eyes. I give him a small smile to let him know everything is okay and that he doesn’t have to worry. With that reassurance he clears his throat, finally acknowledging Todd who had plopped himself down between the two kids on the couch and thrown his head back on the cushion to rest his eyes for just a few more minutes before the cartoons end and the kids begin to demand his attention. 

“Mornin’ man. We really appreciate y’all taking ‘Pollo last night, I know he probably exhausted y’all.” My brother opens his eyes and rolls his head on the cushion so he can look at Blake, not having the energy to lift it completely, and gives him a soft smile. 

“Anytime brother. I know sometimes we just need to talk without the little munchkin ears trying to eavesdrop on everything right Stella?” He finishes his statement in a teasing tone shifting his attention toward the little girl on the sofa next to him. 

“Right! Hey!” The little girl responds eagerly before realizing her dad just caught her again. Everyone starts giggling including Blake. 

“No seriously dude anytime and I know you guys will get through whatever it is, your love is so strong.” Blake’s gaze catches mine as soon as Todd says that. 

“It is.” He says it with a smile on his face and it didn’t feel like he was trying to convince me or himself of the statement, it was said with confidence. Confidence in what we’ve built together as a couple over the last five years, confidence in our love for each other, and our bond. Just as I am about to go back over there and sit with him again, Jen comes down the stairs with a lot more energy than she did when she went up. 

“Thanks guys, I really needed that. Blake, Apollo was starting to squirm some I think he might wake up soon if you want to be there when he does.” Blake is up in a second making his way towards the stairs, saying thank you to Jen as he brushes past her on the bottom step. With his long legs he’s on the second floor within a few seconds. 

“You know I was worried about you, but now I’m starting to think I should be worried about him.” I look over at Todd who’s taking a long sip from his coffee mug. 

“He’ll be alright. 

Back in the car on the way home, Apollo is sitting in his car seat in the back munching on some cheerios Jen had given him for the ride. Blake took his time bringing Apollo downstairs after he went up to wake him, but we left soon after they made their way back down, needing to talk to him at home and let him know everything was alright. He’s been quiet, I figured after last night he would be grilling Blake and I with questions, worried. Every time I glance back at him through the rear view, I catch him watching us out of the corner of his eye making him quickly divert his attention momentarily embarrassed he got caught. He seems nervous almost, uncomfortable. I reach over and place my hand on top of Blake’s thigh to get his attention at first, I see a small smile come to his face at the touch of my hand, but it fades quickly when he sees the worry on my face. I flick my eyes towards the rear view, prompting him to look as well. His small smile instantly disappears as he presses his lips together and furrows his brow. In an attempt to comfort me he grabs my hand from his leg and brings it up to his lips kissing the back of it, it worked because I instantly feel my muscles relax slightly at the gesture. 

“Hey ‘Pollo?” Blake speaks up from the driver’s seat, startling Apollo out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah?” He responds quietly. They catch each other’s eyes in the rear view, this time intentionally. 

“Mommy and I are sorry we left you with Uncle Todd and Aunt Jen like that yesterday. We know you were worried.” My little boy lowers his eyes watching his hands fiddle with the bag of cereal in his lap. I know we hurt his feelings and he doesn’t want to say anything thinking he’ll make it worse. 

He settles for a weak “It’s okay” before shifting his gaze back out the window. 

Blake lets out a heavy sigh next to me clearly disappointed in that response. I don’t really know what we wanted out of him. I mean do we want him to get emotional, be curious, be angry? Our boy is very perceptive and if he is unsure about something, he treads carefully trying not to make anything worse. 

Before either one of us can decide on what to say next we are pulling into the driveway. Usually Apollo would wait on Blake to get out and unstrap him, but today he is out of the car and waiting by the front door before either one of us can get our belts off. I take my eyes off our little boy waiting by the front door and look back at Blake who now has his face in his hands leaning his head on the steering wheel in front of him. 

“Baby.” I reach over and gently place my hand on his back and he tenses at the touch. By the way he’s breathing I can tell he’s on his way to crying if he hasn’t shed some tears already. I know it hurt him that Apollo didn’t wait for him or that he didn’t talk on the way home. When Blake came downstairs with Apollo at Jen’s house things seemed a little off, but I didn’t think anything of it figuring Apollo was still tired from the night before and was just ready to get home 

“Baby look at me please.” I beg him softly, my throat becoming tight with emotion as well. He turns his head on the steering wheel to look at me and just as I suspected, his eyes are red and blurry. 

“This is all my fault.” The words come at a whisper, but the guilt behind them is deafening. My heart breaks at everything this man that I love is shouldering from his past to everything he’s blaming himself for now. It’s all too much, for anyone even if he is the strongest man I know. I move my hand to his chin picking his head up off the steering wheel and look him in the eye. 

“Please don’t do this to yourself. He is just upset and confused right now. We will talk to him and everything will be alright. Please baby, I can’t see you hurt anymore. None of this is your fault.” 

He sits up straighter making my hand fall from his face and he looks down at his lap, nods and takes a couple deep breaths. “Yeah we’ll talk to him. Everything will be alright, you’re right.” 

Before I can respond he is opening his door and stepping down onto the driveway to go let Apollo into the house. I watch as he approaches him. Neither of them looks at the other, Apollo just waits on Blake to unlock the door and when he does, he sprints inside and up the stairs I assume. Blake doesn’t wait for me to get out of the car, he just walks inside with his head still hung. He left the front door open for me, but that was it, all the progress I felt like we made this morning out the window. Although we aren’t fighting right now, he seems so detached. I knew this would be a long journey after our conversation, so I’m not letting myself lose hope but if I said I was discouraged at the recent turn of events I would be lying. Apollo’s behavior completely flipped a switch and I don’t know what to do to flip it back. 

I take my time getting out of the car, taking a second to compose myself and think of how I want to handle the situation. When I finally make it inside, I shut the door quietly behind me and toe off my shoes by the door doing a quick scan of the house to see if I can spot Blake in the den. I come up empty, so my next stop is the kitchen thinking he may have gone to get himself a drink and that’s exactly where I find him. 

He’s bent over the counter with a white-knuckle grip on the edge and an unopened beer bottle sitting in front of him. If he heard me walk in, he didn’t acknowledge it seemingly focused on trying to get a hold on his emotions right now. I take a few hesitant steps forward not sure which Blake I’m going to see. I stop when I’m right by his side, he still hasn’t moved since I walked in, so I reach in front of him and move the bottle further onto the counter, gently place my hand on his chest and push just enough so he has to release his grip on the edge making enough space for me to place myself between him and the cold stone surface. He meets my eyes briefly at the intrusion of his space but is quickly diverting his attention to somewhere else in the kitchen and trying to back away and create space between us again. My heart sinks in my chest. 

“Don’t do this to me.” I beg. He doesn’t say anything, just simply reaches around me for the bottle and pops it open. 

“God dammit Blake, don’t do this to me! Not again.” The volume of my voice seems to startle him back into reality because for the first time since I walked in the kitchen, he looks at me, like actually looks at me and lowers the bottle from his lips. 

“What happened to what we talked about last night? What happened to no more hiding? I know this is going to be hard, but I thought we agreed that from now on we were going to face the struggles together, or did you not mean anything you said last night?” 

That last question seems to set something off in him because he places the bottle roughly back down on the counter and his face becomes tense before he starts to speak. 

“How dare you even suggest that I didn’t mean what I said last night after everything. After everything I told you, I figured you’d understand better how hard this is.” He almost growls the words at me, and if I weren’t so offended, I might even be scared. 

“I don’t even have a response to that. I told you how bad I felt for you, how much sympathy I had, I forgave you, but in case you don’t remember you also told me that it wasn’t right how you treated me or Apollo over the past few months. You said you wanted to try and be better. Right now, you’re angry because Apollo doesn’t know how to react because he’s worried about us. You’re thinking it’s your fault and it’s not Blake, it’s okay for you to have emotions and feel things, but when you act like this it becomes your fault because you’re not trying to fix it.” I don’t wait for any kind of response, I turn and make my way out of the kitchen to find my baby boy. 

Upstairs I find his bedroom door closed, something he knows is not allowed. I stand and listen for a minute, but I don’t hear any sounds coming from inside, so I tap my knuckle against the wood and wait for a response. When I don’t get one after a few seconds I slowly start to open the door. I find him sitting criss cross on his bed fiddling with his favorite action figure. 

“Hey ‘Pollo, are you okay baby?” I walk over towards his bed and lower myself to sit in front of him. 

“Yeah I guess.” Just like in the car his response wasn’t very convincing. 

“You know daddy and I are sorry right? We didn’t mean to make you worry, we just needed to talk that’s all.” 

“Did I do something wrong?” There’s guilt in his voice that doesn’t belong. 

“No absolutely not, this was not about you baby.” I answer him as firmly as possible. 

“Why was daddy crying?” I suck in a breath at the question trying to think of what to say to him to stop his worrying. 

“Daddy was just having a bad day. He was sad and he needed some time alone. I don’t want you thinking this had anything to do with you okay?” He nods and looks back down at his toy. I can tell he’s not feeling any better yet. I know he has something else to say, but he hesitates. 

“What else baby? You can tell me, it’s okay” I reach out and put my hand on his little knee. 

“Is daddy leaving? Is that why he wanted time alone because he’s leaving like my real dad?” I stop breathing at the question. Apollo had not once mentioned his “real” dad once ever. Of course he knew Blake was not his biological father, but to him Blake was the “real” dad, so for him to be asking me that question like that right now kills me. My shock prevents me from answering the question right away and Apollo takes the hesitation as a reason to worry even more thinking he’s right. Before I can calm him down, I hear a knock on the door making both our heads snap over in that direction. Blake is standing there looking like his heart just got ripped out of his chest having obviously heard the question Apollo just asked me. 

“Can I come in?” His eyes are locked on Apollo’s, obviously looking for his permission not mine. 

The little boy nods his head without breaking eye contact with his daddy. When he gets closer to the bed, I shift myself so I’m sitting closer to the foot and Blake can take my spot which he does, understanding that he needs to be the one to speak right now. I’m still upset with how he handled our conversation just a few minutes ago, but I’m glad my words got through to him and he came up to try and talk. 

Sitting on the bed heartbroken, I can tell it’s taking everything he has not to reach out and pull Apollo into his lap and never let go, but he fights the urge knowing he has something important he needs to address first. 

“I heard what you asked mommy just now.” He starts. For the first time Apollo breaks eye contact with him looking at me over his dad’s shoulder. I nod at him letting him know it’s okay to talk to his daddy and share what he’s thinking. 

“Are you leaving?” Even though he overheard Apollo ask me the exact same question seconds earlier, having the boy ask him directly seems to take his breath from his chest all over again. I know it was equally as hard to ask Blake that question, as he always looked at Blake with all the trust in the world. This time Blake doesn’t hesitate to give him an answer. 

“Absolutely not!” Blake responds adamantly. “I love you and your mom way too much to ever leave the two of you. Bub, I know things have been kind of weird lately and I haven’t been the best daddy here lately, and I’m sorry you saw me crying yesterday before we dropped you off with Uncle Todd, but I promise that you didn’t do anything wrong and neither did mommy. This is all my fault and I’m going to make it better I promise. Don’t you worry about anything. I’m sorry I did anything to ever even make you think I could ever leave my little cowboy behind.” Relief seems to flood through Apollo as he hears his fathers reassuring words, but he still doesn’t make a move to search for affection. 

“You and mommy have been fighting a lot lately.” Blake and I wince at the statement, thinking we had been hiding it pretty well. Apparently not. 

“I know buddy and that’s my fault too, but I am trying to fix it. Mommy’s and daddy’s fight sometimes, but that doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other. Sometimes it just means that there’s some really important stuff going on that they are trying to figure out that’s all. We’re sorry if you heard us and it made you worry. It’s going to get better I promise.” Blake looks over his shoulder at me sitting behind me making sure I’m listening to his words as well, clearly speaking to the both of us. Both of us get caught up in each other’s gaze for a few moments before Apollo decides to break the silence again. 

“I don’t like it when you cry.” Blake snaps his head back toward the five-year-old and scoots just a little bit closer to him. 

“It’s okay to cry sometimes, but I’m sorry if it made you worry. Just always remember that it’s never your fault okay? And if I ever start to make you feel like it is or if you start getting worried please make sure you come talk to me okay?” 

The little boy nods his head, finally looking like he feels better about the situation. 

“Good now can I have a hug?” Blake asks shyly. 

Without answering Apollo dumps his action figure one the sheet next to him and crawls into his daddy’s lap getting enveloped in those big strong arms that made me feel so safe and loved this morning. After about a minute Blake lifts his head from the crook of the little boys neck and looks back at me, uncoiling one of his arms from our baby boy and reaching it out to me inviting me to join. I hesitate, still a little mad from earlier, but ultimately can’t resist a cuddle that involves both of my cowboys, so I crawl up to them and sink into his embrace. We will talk later when it’s just the two of us and there will probably be more apologies and more tears, but right now we are making progress and that’s all I can ask for. 

“I love the both of you so much.” Blake whispers into the space between us. 

“I love you too daddy.” Blake's squeeze gets tighter and I know its from a combination of hearing Apollo say it back, but also from hearing him call him daddy after he asked that question. 

I lift my head from where it was resting on his collarbone and look him in the eye before I say anything. 

“You’re so much stronger than you realize. I love you too.” I rest my forehead against his and close my eyes. I hear him inhale before I feel a soft peck on my nose. 

We sit there for another few minutes before Apollo starts to shift and we hear his tummy start to rumble a little. 

“How about we go downstairs and get some lunch, huh?” He asks looking down at Apollo in his lap. The little boy nods his head and starts to shift to crawl away. 

“uh uh not so fast.” He turns his head back to his daddy wondering what he wanted. 

“Come give daddy a kiss first. He missed you last night.” ‘Pollo grins and crawls back over planting a sloppy kiss on his cheek before he tries to make his escape toward the kitchen again. 

“Hey what about mommy?” I say in a jealous tone once he’s off the bed. 

“I’m hungry mommy! I’ll give you one after lunch I promise.” He groans running out of the room. 

I let out a shocked huff once he’s out of the room. 

“Priorities” I grumble into Blake’s chest making him chuckle. Rolling my eyes, we get up and make our way downstairs to feed the little monster. God knows he’ll probably get anything he wants considering we still feel guilty after last night. A little pizza never hurt nobody I guess.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I know it's been a while, but I still hope y'all are interested in reading this story. Let me know in the comments how you feel about where this story is headed. I appreciate y'all reading!

It ended up being an early night for all of us, exhausted from all the emotions from the day before and not sleeping in our own beds. Apollo had been clingy to Blake all day, he insisted on sitting next to daddy to eat his pizza, sat on his lap and shared a blanket for movie time later that night, and eventually ended falling asleep on his chest right around 8:30. Every once in a while Blake and I would lock eyes over Apollo’s head and I could see all his emotions, still slightly worried about Apollo but glad that he’s looking for attention instead of pushing him away. I’m a little jealous that Apollo wasn’t reaching for me today, but I knew he was worried about his daddy. Staring at them now with his little body molded over my man’s chest asleep under the blanket while Blake seems focused on catching the tail end of the Incredibles movie rubbing his big hands up and down his baby’s back making sure he feels his presence even in his dreams makes me emotional all over again. 

I get lost in my thoughts looking at them just thinking about how this man with the kindest soul, who gives his whole heart to me and my son every day, has lived with the guilt for years thinking what he went through was somehow his fault robbing him of the hope that he’ll ever have one of his own again. Before even realizing I’m crying, I feel a warm calloused hand caress my cheek snapping me out of my thoughts. 

“Baby what’s wrong?” He keeps his voice at a whisper trying not to wake Apollo. 

Not really knowing how to respond, I reach up and grab his hand that’s still laying on my cheek closing my eyes as I lean into his touch for a few seconds. After I feel like I have collected myself, I place a gentle kiss on his palm and when I open my eyes again, the worry on his face seems to have dissipated and instead been replaced with understanding. Finally, I was feeling a fraction of the pain that he has been carrying for years and he can see it in my eyes. 

“How about we get this one to bed? We could use some sleep ourselves.” I just nod, still not really in the mood to speak. He squeezes my hand quickly before letting go to support Apollo’s head as he leans forward to get up off the couch and take the sleeping boy upstairs to his room. I stay on the couch clutching the glass of wine I hadn’t drank from for about thirty minutes now just waiting for him to come back down to get me, hoping he’ll come down to get me. About twenty minutes later, I hear him trying to contain his heavy footsteps as he comes back down the stairs. The thought brings a small smile to my face as I imagine him tiptoeing as best he can. He may be a gentle giant, but still a giant nonetheless. 

When he reappears in front of me, he is reaching for the glass in my hands and setting it on the coffee table before reaching back to take a hold of my hand to gently pull me up to my feet. 

“I like the smile better than the tears darlin.” 

“You’re not very good at being quiet.” My comment seems to take him by surprise, cocking his head at me with a small smirk on his face before letting out a chuckle. 

“Well not all of us can be as graceful as you Ms. Stefani.” He teases. 

“It’s Mrs. Shelton to you.” My comment wipes the playful smirk off his face and replaces it with a soft smile that fills his eyes with the love that I had been questioning was still there for the past couple months. 

“You’re damn right.” He whispers letting go of my hand in favor of wrapping his arms around my waist to pull me closer to his chest. We stay there hugging in the den with my head on his chest for I don’t know how long until I yawn, prompting him to pull back. 

“Come on sweetheart, lets get to bed.” Taking my hand and leading us up the stairs to our bedroom, I realize this is the first night Blake will be spending in our room without some kind of fight or secret between us for a long time. Over the past two months we would make progress here and there and he would come back to bed, but it never lasted more than a night before we were fighting again and he was back on the couch. I hope he plans on staying this time. 

The air between us becomes almost awkward as we get ready to go to sleep. For bed I wear one of Blake’s old t-shirts, but I make sure to change when he is in the bathroom brushing his teeth. For some reason I’m shy about him seeing me without my clothes on. We haven’t been intimate in so long and even though I miss him, with where we are in our relationship it almost feels like we’re starting over. There’s this new part of Blake, my Blake, that’s a stranger to me. 

By the time he comes out of the bathroom, I’m already sitting back against the headboard with the comforter covering the exposed skin of my legs. He hasn’t taken off his jeans or his shirt yet and he fidgets next to the bed for a while almost nervous. 

“Is everything okay?” My voice sounds nervous and quiet as well, and God how did we get here? I shouldn’t feel this way every time I decide to talk to my husband. 

“Are you… are you sure you want me in here tonight? I mean I know what you said about husbands and wives not sleeping in different rooms, but it’s been a while and even though we slept together last night, that was the couch and this…isn’t. We’ve also talked about a lot since the last time and I understand if you’re still processing.” 

Somewhere in the middle of his rambling his eyes met mine and the insecurity I found in them matched mine and suddenly I’m taken back to the Gwen and Blake of five years ago that were just leaning on each other trying to make it to the next day. Before I can respond to him, he continues. 

“I just want you to be comfortable, Gwen.” Not thinking words will be enough to take away his insecurity, I decide to try and show him how much I want to have him back in bed with me and how he is still the one that makes me feel the most comfortable. 

Pulling back the blanket covering my legs, I crawl over to his side of the bed where he’s currently standing and sit up on my knees in front of him. We stare at each other for a few seconds, him not knowing what else to say and me trying to get up the courage to make my next move. Reaching out I grab the hem of his t-shirt hesitantly still not sure if he’ll pull away. Keeping my eyes focused on my hands instead of his face, I slowly start to bring up his shirt. I hear his sudden intake of breath, but am otherwise not met with any resistance. Once I get the shirt up high enough to where I need his help the rest of the way, he lifts his arms and takes hold of the fabric when I can no longer reach. Now facing his bare chest, still not wanting to meet his eyes fearing I’ll lose my confidence, I slowly slide my hands up his torso until they sit right in front of my eyes, covering the light dusting of hair he has on his chest. He still hasn’t moved to touch me, probably just as scared as I am about the others reaction. The air in the room is still slightly awkward, but now there’s a charge that hasn’t been present in so long it’s almost foreign. 

After a few minutes of breathing deeply with each other my hands still haven’t moved another inch, but I suddenly feel a finger under my chin forcing me to meet his eyes. Seeing desire in his eyes again pushes me forward to drape my arms over his shoulders and start slowly placing soft little kisses starting where my hands just were up to the crook of his neck. He moans at the feel of my lips on his skin, finally moving his hands to my hips. He doesn’t grab them or apply any pressure; he just simply lays them on my hips letting me know he likes what I’m doing. Continuing my path of butterfly kisses up to his jaw and eventually his cheeks I pull back just enough to open my eyes briefly to find his closed. 

I lean in again except this time I place my lips on his. The unexpected move causing him to squeeze my hips involuntarily. Still letting me be in control, he doesn’t lick at my lips asking for permission or bite my lip. Unable to take another second without his tongue brushing mine though, I decide to make the first move. Without breaking the kiss, the passion filled moment only grows heavier as our tongues dance and my nails scratch through the scruff on his cheeks. 

Hungry for him and needing this feeling to continue I soon find my fingers fiddling with the button of his jeans, but not making any real effort to undo it just waiting to make sure I don’t move too fast. Seeming to understand what I’m doing, he pulls away from my lips for the first time since I initiated the kiss. I expected him to tell me we didn’t have to or ask me if I’m okay, but instead he seems to have understood why I was hesitating and with his eyes locked on mine his fingers join my at his waistband undoing the button before leaning back into my lips. 

Feeling sure of myself now I kiss him back and unzip his pants causing them to immediately fall slightly off his hips. I follow their path, giving them the extra push they need to pool at his ankles and grip the sides of his boxers pulling him closer to me so that now my clothed chest meets his bare one. His hands are still on my hips but have now found their way under his shirt and his fingers are running along the waistband of my panties. 

Satisfied with his state of undress for now I break the kiss and start to inch my way back on the bed keeping my grip on his boxers. Getting the hint, he follows me until I’m on my back in the middle of the bed with him hovering above me. 

“I love you.” I whisper still trying to catch my breath from the kiss and the feeling of his hands on me again. They’re the first words either of us have spoken since he was asking me if I wanted him to stay tonight. 

“I love you too.” He whispers the sentiment back to me, equally as affected as I am. 

“The only time I’m ever uncomfortable is when I don’t have you by my side.” I wrap my leg around his thigh and push, so that he has to rest some of his weight on me. He goes easily, now resting on his elbows instead of his hands and dropping his head to rest on my breast as well taking deep breaths. 

“Kiss me” I whisper, still not ready to call it a night, enjoying the feel of him so close to me again. 

He leans in again taking my lips, but the hesitancy was gone. He was finally kissing me again like he was sure of us and I never wanted that to change again. 

Things started to heat up as the leg that I had wrapped around his thigh started to move up and down slowly and one of his hands had found its way under the shirt I was wearing and was exploring my stomach and started to climb its way higher. As soon as I moan his name, he made a move to get the shirt up and off leaving me in only my panties since I don’t sleep with a bra. As soon as his eyes start wandering my exposed breasts, some of the shyness I was feeling earlier starts to creep back. My hands release his curls in exchange for trying to shield myself from him casually, but of course he notices as his eye soften and fill with so much guilt and regret. 

“Baby, I’m so sorry.” He gently grabs one of my wrists and pulls my hand away from my chest but keeps his eyes on my face knowing that I’m feeling a little vulnerable right now. 

“Its just been awhile.” My gaze is no longer on him, but instead looking over his shoulder at the ceiling fan ashamed that I feel this way. 

“I know and that’s my fault.” 

“Stop, we’re not laying blame here. It takes two to fight.” 

“We don’t have to do this tonight if you’re not ready baby. I wasn’t expecting anything, I know I dropped a bomb on you and you’re probably still a little angry at me and that’s okay.” 

“It’s not that, I’m not angry. I just…” I sigh in frustration, not knowing how to explain what I’m feeling. 

“You just what baby?” There’s nothing but patience in his voice as he brings part of the blanket over me to cover my chest trying to make me more comfortable. 

“I want to do this with you, Blake. God, you don’t know how much I miss you. I guess part of me is just..” My eyes find his again as I find my words. “Part of me is just scared. It almost feels like we are starting over.” 

“I miss you too, Gwen and you’re right we are starting over in a way. This time though there are no secrets. I feel more in love and closer to you than I ever have. Yesterday I finally gave you that last piece of my heart that I have been trying to protect for so many years. I’m sorry it took me so long, but you hold all of me now, Gwen. I trust you with my baby girl just as much as you trust me with Apollo.” 

With tears running down my face I lean up to kiss him again. Hearing him tell me that he trusted me with his little girl, the one that he hadn’t introduced anyone to since that day makes me feel so honored. If he can give that big of a part of himself to me, I have no doubt that whatever we go through in the future, we will come out together. 

I decide I don’t want to wait any longer to make love to my husband, so without breaking the kiss I slide my hands to the waist of his boxers and slowly start to drag them down as far as I can. He has to push his body off of mine to kick them off completely, but he isn’t gone for more than a second. My hand immediately reaches for him just pumping him a couple times before my hand goes still, moaning into the kiss. He bites my lip at the tease, while dragging my underwear off too. With how long it’s been, I know neither one of us is in the mood for teasing because we’ll both probably explode within seconds. 

He aligns himself at my entrance, but before he enters me, I shift my weight reaching for his nightstand. He pauses and watches me curious to see what I’m looking for. Settling down again underneath him, I hold out a little square package that he knows all too well. I had yelled at him when I saw that he bought the box, that’s what started the whole two months of hell. I realize now that he is going to have to be the one to make this decision for us. I have my baby and as much as I would love to have one with him, I need it to come from him. He gives me a small smile as he looks at the condom in my hand appreciating the gesture, but to my surprise he brings my hand down and gives me a deep kiss while he enters me. 

I throw my head back at the feeling of him inside me again. He seems just as affected as he rests his head on my chin breathing heavily. He still hasn’t moved, waiting for me to adjust since I’m a little tighter than normal considering how long it’s been. 

“Are you sure?” I manage to get out between gasps as I feel him sink a little deeper into me with ever second. 

“I’ve never been more sure. I love you baby.” His reply comes just as he starts to move inside me. Even though we are both starving for each other, neither of us seems hurried. The moves are slow, the caresses are long, and the kisses are deep. 

Just as I figured, we didn’t last long both coming undone within five minutes, but I feel like it’s the most intimate it has ever been between us. We swallowed each other’s moans as we came together, him riding his orgasm out inside me to the very last drop. 

We stayed there collecting ourselves and coming down from our high, kissing and whispering I love you’s in each other’s ears for a while until I pushed Blake to lay on his back, cuddling into his side immediately so glad to be in this place with him again. We laid there in silence with wandering hands, playing with the idea of sleep until I just have to ask him. 

“Why did you change your mind?” I shift my gaze up from his chest so I can see his face. 

“I realized that if you were to get pregnant and if we’re meant to have a baby, everything will be okay because that baby will have Maybelle watching over them. She’s a guardian angel now.” A couple tears fall from his eyes and I can’t find the words to respond burying my head in his chest letting my own tears fall. I fall asleep to his hand rubbing my back and the feel of his lips on my forehead as he whispers, “I love you.” 

Waking up in my husband’s arms, naked, in our bed together after such a passionate night is an amazing feeling that I will never take for granted again. I can tell it’s still early as there is barely any light peeking its way through the curtains, but I can’t get myself to go back to sleep. I find myself staring at his sleeping form looking at peace for the first time since I can remember, and I can’t bring myself to wake him no matter how bad I want a kiss. 

Thankfully Apollo doesn’t give me long enough to lay there to get lost in my thoughts because within ten minutes of me being up I hear his soft knock on the door. I slide off of Blake’s chest a slowly as possible trying not to wake him and slip a robe over my naked body, grateful Blake and I had locked the door last night. As much as I would love to be there when Blake wakes us, my baby boy is up and to be honest I would love some quiet time with him this morning. 

“Good morning, baby!” I whisper as I unlock the door, opening it just enough for me to slip out without allowing Apollo a glimpse inside. Blake may be covered, but there are still clothes all over the floor and I don’t want him asking questions. 

“Good morning, mommy. Is daddy up?” I take his hand and lead him down the hallway towards the stairs, not following my lead on the whispering. I didn’t want him to wake Blake. 

“Not yet, baby. I was thinking we could make him a nice breakfast for when he gets up. What do you say about that?” 

“Yes!” He jumps off the last step in excitement, his love for food shining through yet again making me giggle. 

“Alright then. What do you think daddy would want?” I look down at him taking his hand again as we make our way to the kitchen. 

“Chocolate chip pancakes!” I stop for a second looking down and him and raise my brow. 

“Is that what you think daddy would want or what Apollo wants?” The little boy just shrugs his shoulders with a small smirk on his face. 

“Daddy eats anything.” Is his adorable reply. 

“So do you mister.” I laugh. 

“Yeah, but today I eat chocolate chip pancakes, right?” He looks up at me and bats his eyes while swinging our hands. 

“We’ll just have to make some bacon for daddy just in case I guess, now won’t we?” His eyes go wide and his smile grows even bigger as I mention the favorite breakfast meat of my two cowboys. 

“And for me too?” 

“I’m sure daddy wouldn’t mind sharing.” 

We get in the kitchen and start getting everything together. Apollo is sitting on the counter “monitoring” the chocolate chips. He’s really just sneaking some every time he thinks I’m not looking, but it’s cute so I don’t mind. Plus, I still feel like I have some majoring making up to do when it comes to him, feeling bad that he has had to feel all the tension lately. 

When I’m almost finished cooking, I turn around and lift Apollo off the counter and place him back on his feet. 

“Alright Pollo, pancakes are almost done so why don’t you go try to use the potty and wash your hands.” He nods at my instruction and makes his way out of the kitchen. 

I turn back around to the stove and am flipping the last pancake when I feel two strong arms wrap around my waist and a scruffy face bury itself in my neck. I turn the stove off and turn around in his arms to face him cupping his face in my hands. 

“How did you sleep?” I ask while leaning up to place a kiss on his chin. He moves down a little so that he can place a kiss on my lips instead. 

“Better than I have in a long time thanks to you.” 

“Me too.” I whisper just leaning into him and enjoying his warmth for a second. 

“Is Pollo up?” The vibrations from his chest when he speaks along with his hands rubbing my back is so soothing, I almost forget to respond. 

“Yeah he went to the bathroom. He should be just about done.” Not even two seconds later we hear tiny footsteps sprinting back to the kitchen eager for food, but when he spots his daddy, he decides his pancakes and bacon can wait just a second. 

“Daddy!” He shouts a little to loud for so early in the morning, but his excited shout brings a grin to Blake’s lips as he presses a kiss to my forehead and turns around to greet our son. 

“Hey bubba, I see that you convinced mommy to make bacon, so I think I owe you a hug.” 

Blake picks Apollo up and holds him to his chest, placing kiss after kiss on his cheeks making him giggle. 

“Stop, daddy! I want breakfast!” He shrieks and giggles until Blake finally shows some mercy and sets him down on the stool at the breakfast bar on the island. 

“You’re lucky I’m hungry too or I wouldn’t give in so easy.” Blake says plopping down next to him and reaching for a piece of bacon off the platter in front of them. 

“You two are literally the same person, I can’t.” I laugh making my way to the seat next to Blake with a cup of coffee in my hands. 

“Yeah, but you love it.” Blake says winking at me as I sit down. 

“I do love my two cowboys.” Sitting there together and happy that morning was such a big step in the right direction for us and I couldn’t wait to continue making more strides. This was just the beginning.


End file.
